Save yourself, not me
Hi there. Earth here. Planet Earth. First off, I’d like to say thanks for my Day every April 22. I appreciate it. I really do. It’s nice.
Second, I just want to clear something up. When you folks yackety yak about saving the planet and saving the Earth, let’s just acknowledge the obvious—what you really mean is “Let’s save our cute little system so our kids can be strung out on oil, too.” You know, your little money game, with its system of goods and stuff all circulating about in the mad frenzy of busy-ness that takes place every day. That’s what you’re lookin’ to save, right? Your impressive if somewhat messy Golden Age of Oil. I can see why you want to save it. All the luxuries and lifestyles that have been made possible since that first oil well was tapped in Pennsylvania in 1859. I can see why you’d want to preserve it for as long as you can.
But by recycling, by riding a bike, by growing your own food and all that, you’re not “saving the planet.” I mean, puh-leez. I’m cool, ya know? I’m covered. I certainly don’t need your hubris-sotted monkey asses to “save” me. If your entertaining little G.A.O.O. runs out of gas (pun intended), and the game breaks downs and falls apart, well, who survives? Your Chrysler 300 or me? Your McMansion or weeds? Your Blackberry or rain?
I will say this. Enjoy your G.A.O.O., because it doesn’t have that much longer to roll. Like maybe another 50 years. Ballpark figure. But by the time the oil is pretty much kaput, you’ll have new energy production going on. Something you can’t even imagine right now. Trust me. It’ll be awesome, and it hasn’t even been invented yet. Hell, it hasn’t even been thought of yet. So you got that goin’ for ya.
Unfortunately, this will all happen at about the same time that I finally take steps to thin the herd. The herd of humanity, to be specific. Actually, I don’t think it’s fortunate or unfortunate. It’s just the way it’s gotta be. Let’s face it, you guys are out of your minds with all this itchy sex madness. I can’t expect you to control it. So I’m gonna have to do it.
I can’t tell you what’s gonna happen, exactly, but I can say it will be viral, and it’ll be a virus brought into existence by global warming. How cool is that? It’s really just a deluxe piece of work, if I do say so myself. Will it wipe out humanity? Of course not. Like I say, it’ll just thin the herd a bit. Well, OK, a lot. In fact, future folks won’t be talking about saving the planet. They’ll be much more concerned with saving their ass.
OK, that’s about it. Have a nice day. Really. Have one. Today. Later.