I’m thinking of running for something. Not the border. Here are some of the planks in my platform:

First, California may no longer elect its own governor, but will have one appointed by the Green Party.

No one may possess a handgun, especially cops, who will be drafted from the general population for a one-year hitch.

There will be no tax deductions for business expenses, and no bulk-mail discounts.

Corporations will cease being treated as people and will have no rights. Shareholders will be held responsible for the actions of their corporation.

I’d farm out many government functions, including political appointments:

The secretary of commerce will be appointed by Noam Chomsky.

The secretary of defense will be appointed by the Dalai Lama.

The attorney general will be appointed by the American Civil Liberties Union.

The secretary of Housing and Urban Development must have been homeless.

The Department of Homeland Security will be appointed by the National Lawyers Guild.

The secretary of the Interior will be appointed by the Sierra Club.

The secretary of Health and Human Services will be appointed by Dick Gregory.

The Department of Justice will be run by Amnesty International.

Personal income tax will be eliminated; income tax will apply only to corporations.

On the res, Native Americans can do ANYTHING THEY WANT.

The number of laws at all levels will be reduced by two-thirds. Make that three-fourths. Then for every new law enacted, an existing law must be rescinded.

All drugs will be legal for adults, and the Drug Enforcement Agency will be abolished.

The Central Intelligence Agency’s name will be changed to the Central Stupidity Agency; it will then be abolished.

Every person will have the same free health care, including all government employees.

All prisoners not convicted of a violent crime will be freed.

Judges will be picked from the general population and assigned randomly, case-by-case.

The rank of public school teachers’ salaries will correspond to the grade level taught, starting with kindergarten and pre-school teachers at the highest level, first-grade teachers next, and so on down to college professors at the bottom.

Abortion decisions will be made only by the woman involved.

Hate-crime laws will be abolished.

All murder will be illegal.

Cash contributions only, preferably in euros.