Office affairs

Sex in the workplace can be productive

Have you ever been sexually approached at work? Did your boss put a move on you? Did you put a move on him or her? Why not?

My first office affair was with the first of the Lindas. I’ll call her Linda One. When I started in the department, Linda One had been working there only a few months and had been married even fewer. She was 18, I was 20, and there was no way in hell we weren’t gonna swap some fluid. Sometimes we’d take the same day off because we couldn’t wait until the weekend.

In a few months I was made her supervisor, which didn’t change much of anything, except we couldn’t sit next to each other. It was a pretty good setup and lasted until I transferred to another department in order to drop back into college. I’d’ve given her easy jobs in a heartbeat, but the work schedule was posted well in advance, and any favoritism would have been obvious and short-lived, along with my employment.

On another job some years later, I met Linda Two, who was a secretary in another department. We carried on until she got a better offer from a guy who said he’d pay her rent. She used to stand next to my desk so I could caress her under her skirt. Mmmm. I’d’ve given her a corner office and a personal driver, but our only professional connection was that my memos to her boss went to her first.

Linda Three is another story.

Then there was Sheba, the beginning of my Crazy Jewesses period and also a stand-by-my-desk-for-a-feel, the no-panties version. I’d’ve given her the company, including my job.

Any of my office paramours could’ve had all kinds of raises and promotions and stock options from me if I’d been able to provide them. Why wouldn’t I? I see nothing wrong with trading sexual favors for special treatment at work or anywhere else, including the classroom. If high school girls weren’t jail bait, there would be a lot more male teachers and much better sex ed.

Sex is universal tender, no matter what you or the government approve of. Sex always has value, and in a free market, you run what you brung and do the best you can with whatever set of attributes you have.

Sex is always with us and to repress it and outlaw or deny or even restrict it is a perversion. Take Catholic priests, for example. Or soldiers. Sex is a drive, like hunger, and it doesn’t go away just because Unca Bubba wants it to.

There ought to be more sex at work. More romance would help to undo some of the dehumanization necessary for us to knowingly harm others with cost-effective, high-quality depleted uranium or a mortgage scam. A quickie in the hall is a wonderful thing. Ask Slick Willie.

By the way, what do you do for money?