Don’t be stupid

Useful information for the smart Labor Day partier

Know your booze laws. There will be several DUI checkpoints and all kinds of law enforcement agencies hiding in bushes, so don’t fool yourself. Bringing bottles to the beach, being drunk in public or urinating in the great outdoors will get you anything from a citation to a $476 fine. And of course driving under the influence and being a minor in possession are real bad news.

Come early, leave early. Do yourself a favor and avoid heat stroke, alcohol poisoning and dehydration by limiting your time of exposure. Plus, you’ll get a better parking spot.

You will not tame the mighty Sacramento. The river may seem calm, but it is strong and it is cold. If you ‘dis’ her she will snag you and the 10 friends you’re tethered to and lay a hypothermic hurt on your warm-blooded ass.

Don’t litter. If the condition of the student neighborhoods around town is any indication, this will prove most difficult. I thought college students were concerned about the environment? If you pack it in, pack it out.

Don’t go. The best advice of all is to just stay home. Have some friends over for little BBQ. Tubing Labor Day weekend is not that fun. There will a million cops, it’s hot, the river is ICE cold, and it’s just plain nasty.