Days of Lore

Diamond Dave: “Do these pants make my ass look big?”

Diamond Dave: “Do these pants make my ass look big?”

Sharing the love As we approach everybody’s favorite Hallmark holiday—you know, that one couples love and singles loathe—I’d like to remind the people who find themselves without a significant other that they can bitch and complain and throw their little anti-Valentine’s Day pity parties, and it might make them feel better about themselves, but at the end of the night when the buzz of those seven Bud Lights and three Purple Hooters shots wears off, they’re still miserable and lonely and pathetic … and they don’t get that cheap bouquet of roses from the creepy guy on the side of the road. Happy Valentine’s Day!

“V” is for … Since the letter “V” is such a prominent part of the month of February—you have your Valentine’s Day, your V-Day, which was inspired by The Vagina Monologues—I thought it would be appropriate to create a new holiday that begins with the letter “V.” Not to mention I love the letter “V.” Some of the best episodes of Sesame Street were brought to you by the letter “V” … or had Snuffleupagus on them. Plus, I like the way it sounds … “V” … “veee.” It’s even better if you say it like Bela Lugosi in Dracula. That’s just how my brilliant mind works. Wait, what was I talking about? Ahhh yes, holidays that begin with “V.”

Vainglory Day: The day when it’s perfectly acceptable to act like a pompous ass. You walk into the room and start bragging about your job promotion, sexual exploits, the A- you received on that math test, and your friends start accusing you of acting a little vainglorious. All the while you smile with satisfaction, like I am right now as I write these words. I am vaaaaiiinglorious.

Vandyke Day: This one’s a little sexist since it applies only to men (and circus freaks), and I apologize. It simply requires a little chiseling of the beard to a fine point. It’s a distinguished look, and this holiday beats the hell out of Novembeard. And you can take vainglory to a new level by bragging about your facial hair.

Van Gogh Day: The only day when absinthe is made legal in the States. Slicing off an ear and sending it to your ex-lover is a must. Not to be combined with Valium Day.

Van Halen Day: They’re getting back together, maaan! A day when balding men with bad comb-overs can get away with wearing assless chaps. Oh, the freedom.

Vas Deferens Day: Women get V-Day, we get Vas Deferens Day.

Vaspra Day: In honor of Blood of Cain bassist Cor Vaspra, the guy with the coolest name ever.

Vespa Day: Nothing but Vespas on the streets. Well, it sounds good in theory …

Vest Day: More men should wear vests … without shirts, and with Vandykes and assless chaps.

Velvet Underground Day: Put on your mod boots and walk to the small office upstairs from Duffy’s. Ask for a guy named Ben Wawa. Poke him in the eye, while imagining “Candy Says” playing in the background.

Vague Day: Just go out and do stuff.

Don’t these ideas sound more fun than wallowing in your own self pity on Valentine’s Day? Give ’em a shot … I think some of these might catch on.

Kind of a big deal Art rock trio Experimental Dental School is heading out on, how the CN&R’s C. Harris-Nystrom puts it, the “much ballyhooed tour” with Bay Area indie band Deerhoof, which has been receiving praise for its new record, Friend Opportunity.

Of course, two-thirds of EDS is made up Jesse Hall and Shoko Horikawa, who played in former Chico band MeYow. The band will head out for seven dates in March, but unfortunately will not stop in Chico.