Something about shooting up an island dictatorship in the Gulf of Mexico, starring Sylvester Stallone with Jason Statham, Jet Li, and palsy-walsy cameos from Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger (whose career could use propping up even more than Stallone’s). What is there to say about this guy? Jay Leno put it best in 1986: “I see Stallone’s new movie’s out, Cobra. Whaddaya suppose this one is—maybe a sensitive coming-of-age story about a shy youth growing up on a Canadian farm in the 1930s, huh?” Stallone’s dozens of remaining fans know exactly what to expect, and he gives it to them good and hard; the rest of us continue to pay the price for allowing this supremely untalented actor-writer-director (take that, auteur theory!) to become a star all those decades ago. All right, we’re sorry already!