The A-Team

Rated 2.0

The preview print melted just prior to the closing credits, so in the interests of full disclosure, I admit that I have not seen the last few minutes of Joe Carnahan’s version of The A-Team (more disclosure: I have apparently developed Firestarter-like powers of telekinesis, just six months too late for Did You Hear About the Morgans?). But I dare say I got the gist: A framed-by-the-government quartet of Gulf War II-era veterans form a ragtag outfit specializing in Rube Goldberg-style operations; Liam Neeson gave up 15 years ago; Jessica Biel could strangle an elephant with her calves; Bradley Cooper owns an elliptical machine; “Mr. T” is impossible to recast; Carnahan edits with Michael Bay’s jigsaw, etc. Carnahan also has Bay’s excruciating (yet strangely hypnotic) comic anti-timing, colliding bad punch lines and overlapping pointless dialogue like Altman on an amphetamine enema.