Tear the Maloof off the sucker

Kings owners float floating arena! Foe’s counter plan is “all wet”!

Fit for the Kings.

Fit for the Kings.

James Israel is the editor/publisher of the Humor Times.

The formerly free political-satire monthly the Humor Times is now available by subscription only at www.humortimes.com.

In a surprising development in the controversy over building a new sports arena in Sacramento, a novel solution was unveiled today by the Sacramento Kings’ owners, the Maloof brothers. Flanked by various interested parties, including Mayor Heather Fargo, developers and a few shipbuilders, the Maloofs presented a proposal that stunned reporters at the scene.

The plan, apparently hatched by the group after weeks of secret meetings, involves building a huge arena/barge that could float down the Sacramento River. The unprecedented project would be an enormous, but feasible undertaking, insist supporters.

“Look, most of the expense in building a new arena is in purchasing land,” said Kings spokesman Sam Sturgeon, adding “and that’s where most of the political and logistical problems arise. This solution not only renders those huge obstacles moot, it offers many other advantages as well.” Indeed, officials around the NBA have called it “the most creative arena solution ever.” Commissioner David Stern is said to be testing the waters on the idea, as he is eager for any solution that could work considering the arena problems he’s facing in various cities.

Gavin Maloof said he’d like to see the new floating arena called the “Ship of Kings,” a name he said “could inspire young and old alike, creating a real source of pride for the community.” He then conceded they’d probably just sell the naming rights to the highest bidder. “‘Cap’n Crunch’ wouldn’t be bad,” he ventured. “At least that would involve a sailing-related logo.”

With some around the NBA apparently having caught wind of the floating arena plan before the grand unveiling, skeptical reporters were able to pepper the Maloof brain trust with questions based on dire predictions from other team owners that the project will bottom out faster than the Kings’ standings in the Pacific Division, complaints from rival players that they are prone to seasickness and even internal squabbling in Sacramento. Mike Bibby, for instance, reportedly fears getting saddled with the nickname “Mike Bobbing.”

Gavin Maloof silenced such naysaying. “This whole scheme might sound outrageous to some,” he said, “but when you think about it, there are many pluses.” For examples, he offered that “when the Kings sink, fans can stay afloat. The motion of the vessel floating down the river could help the Kings develop more of a flow to their offense. And as anyone involved will admit, we want to make a big splash with this new arena, so where better than the river?”