Slaughter house jive

Last week brought the long-rumored and finally official notification that DJ Shaun Slaughter, the ’07 Sammies Hall of Famer known for his Tuesday “Lipstick” and “Fuck Fridays” dance nights, his gender-biased friendliness to SN&R’s staff and his carefully bearded but otherwise glabrous noggin, will move to Los Angeles at the end of this month.

Oh. Well. Fine. Slaughter sent word of “a huge going-away party and stuff,” with “special secret live performances, guest DJs, the cotton-candy machine, maybe a bouncy house.” We say: You know what, dude? Don’t do us any favors, OK? Just go. We don’t need your pity.

“There’s no one that we can think of to replace me,” the uppity turntablist contended. “We’ve tried out people here and there, and everyone’s really good—they’re just not what we’re looking for.”

Yeah? Well, guess what. We’ve been scouting for your successor, too. Sorry, bro. It’s either play or get played, ya dig? We figure all we really need is somebody bald, bearded and a little bit charismatic. Piece of cake.

So get a load of the contenders.

Name: Ira Skinner

Occupation: local musician, impresario

Why we like him: as Club Pow show booker, has Sac music scene dialed; as Evening Episode drummer/programmer, knows way around luscious beats

Why we don’t: occasional creativity with facial hair worrisome, may indicate lack of commitment to the look

Name: Marion “Suge” Knight

Occupation: former mogul, Death Row Records

Why we like him: introducer of influential musicians (Dr. Dre, Snoop, Tupac), intimidator of irrelevant ones (Vanilla Ice); perennially mired in litigation, bankruptcy, therefore may need gig

Why we don’t: history of loyalty issues (Dr. Dre, Snoop, Tupac); perennially mired in litigation, bankruptcy; high incidence of violent death among associates

Name: Richard Hansen

Occupation: proprietor, The Book Collector, 24th and I streets; publisher, Poems-for-All

Why we like him: amiability, community pride, experience hosting cultural mash-ups (See ‘Let us do or die!’, SN&R Event Pick of the Week, January 24); a man of commanding stature, might serve as own bouncer

Why we don’t: runs risk of stocking clubs with diary-scribbling, homely, hindered skeezers such as Sylvia Plath and Emily Dickinson (not that we wouldn’t totally hit that)

Name: James Lipton

Occupation: host, Inside the Actors Studio

Why we like him: tends toward completism; as spinner of choice cuts, would value thorough preparedness

Why we don’t: tends toward sycophancy; as kisser of talentless ass, would hemorrhage street cred

Name: Joe Carnahan

Occupation: locally rooted Hollywood moviemaker

Why we like him: hodgepodge entertainment style conducive to short attention spans—dance nights about noise, movement, not thought; having nicknamed SN&R staffers “fucking idiot,” “fucking ponce” and “fuckface,” likely amenable to spirit of “Fuck Fridays"; already known to hold court on long evenings at Avalon

Why we don’t: possible distraction by Tinsel-Town airs or own short temper; having demanded SN&R staff “man up,” likely not amenable to “Lipstick”

Name: Vladimir Lenin

Occupation: Soviet revolutionary

Why we like him: having endured Siberian exile, unlikely to complain about “not much of a scene” in Sac; brings name recognition

Why we don’t: deceased; prone to party fouls, ruthlessness; rhetoric of revolutionary imperatives lacks resonance among clubgoers who “just want to dance, dude”

Name: Maria Shriver

Occupation: California first lady

Why we like her: comely, chiseled features evoke Slaughter’s

Why we don’t: not actually bald, bearded; likely to abuse VIP list

Oh, who are we kidding? An entire army of shiny pates and furry jaws couldn’t best our boy. We’ll be less when Shaun is gone. Au revoir, friend. You’re irreplaceable.