Now that my man and I are not together, I see my denial about the dishonesty between us. I stayed because I wanted a relationship so badly. I keep thinking about the red flags that warned me not to trust him. These thoughts are daggers of resentment, harmful only to me. I am grateful for the good times, yet the times I was not treated with respect keep surfacing. Advice?
Breakups are like crash diets. The mind craves what it had, and lost. Those feelings reoccur until we decide we no longer want to live in the past. When the mind replays pre-breakup scenes, it’s often searching for information to prove we were right, and our partner wrong. We want to trust that we knew (or should have known) sooner that our partner was a bummer, and not our bae. Obsessively combing the past proves nothing, except our power to distract and exhaust ourselves.
Be kind to yourself. You wanted a partnered relationship, and the enormity of that desire encouraged you to tolerate being ill-treated, at least for a time. Don’t judge yourself harshly. Cherish the part of you who hungered for intimacy. Be tender with the part of you who believed your love could change this man. The cultural and religious pressure to be coupled is seductive. We can be brainwashed into believing that any relationship is worth keeping. That’s nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. It’s an insight into yourself that can help you make better choices in the future.
All you need now is the courage to release a man when the relationship doesn’t align with your values. If you are not clinging to a man who seems to be a reasonable facsimile, it’s easier to meet the right mate. Above all, cherish yourself. The joy of falling in love with yourself will enlarge your capacity to attract the love you crave.
Have you ever been in a situation where everyone at work likes a certain person but you can see through that person and know he is not who he pretends to be? My co-workers fawn over this guy who will say anything he thinks the other person wants to hear. I can tell he is a fake. Why can’t they see it? He knows that I know he is a phony so he doesn’t try to flatter me or overcompliment me like he does with others. I tried to warn some of my co-workers about him but they accused me of being jealous. I’m not.
It’s tough being a savior, isn’t it? Especially of people who don’t know they need saving, or who don’t care to be saved. Your co-workers probably enjoy the spotlight of appreciation this man offers. Not everyone wants to see beneath the surface of another human being. Of course, you could also be completely off base about this situation. What if this man is not engaged in verbal bribery? His compliments might be positive reinforcement, not manipulation. If he is truly manipulating others into feeling special so that they will do his bidding, be glad. Your eyes are open. Save yourself.