Predictions for World Series and Super Bowl winners

The world is a terrible place, so let's just talk about baseball and football

Earthquakes, the Middle East, Michael Brown—does your mind inflate when thinking about the world’s important stuff?

Thankfully there are sports. A lot of readers may call this country's sports fanaticism pathetic. I won't disagree. But the attraction is, like Woody Allen said in Annie Hall, physical. And unlike phenomenons of the natural, political and cultural worlds, the misery of sports is self-chosen.

So let's get masochistic! It's a great time of year. Baseball actually means something. Football's just beginning. The Raiders haven't lost yet!

Some predictions: My Oakland Raiders will not win more than five games. New quarterback Matt Schaub will be slower than Reggie McKenzie. Dennis Allen will be canned during the bye week. Occupy Oakland will eject Mark Davis from the building.

Across the bay, the Niners aren't as good as you think. Their defense has jumped the shark. The team's offensive shortcomings of last season will expand, like the universe, as young Alvy Singer might say. And wrap your mind around this: a Levi's Stadium curse.

Denver and Arizona in the Super Bowl. Bet on it.

As for the world of juicy curveballs and sappy HGH spray, any self-respecting Giants fan (anyone?) knows their team is done. That's what happens when you spend $38 million on two starting pitchers (who can't pitch) and sign a pretty-boy shortstop (who scores at the club but strikes out when it matters).

Ergo, the infirm A's, crawling into the stretch with an offense more anemic than my grandpa when his ulcer acts up. Some advice to fellow Oakland fans? Stop the bitching, we have pitching. And that will get us to the World Series, where we'll revenge sweep the Dodgers.

That would also blow my mind.