Bottoms up: Why don’t congressmen use bookmarks? They’d rather bend over the pages. That’s right ladies and gentlemen, the political season is in full swing, and that can only mean one thing: This may be the most vulgar Bites ever. If you’re in need of someone to blame, well, take a look in the mirror. If you’d only pay more attention to the political process year round, salacious gossip of the sort swirling around Rep. Mark Foley, R-Fla., would never dominate the mainstream news cycle for weeks on end.
Foley of course was forced to resign in disgrace last month after ABC News exposed his predilection for underage Congressional pages, as revealed in a series of lurid e-mails and IMs. Truth be told, if the content of the messages is any indication, it appears the pages weren’t the ones doing the bending over. “I would drive a few miles for a hot stud like you,” Foley writes in one missive. Obviously, the gentleman from Florida is what’s known in the gay vernacular as a “bottom.” Looks like he’s bottomed out for good as far as his political career is concerned.
Oddly enough, the same term—albeit from a different, barrel-scraping idiom—can be applied to Rep. John Doolittle. Locked in a seemingly tight race with Democratic challenger Charlie Brown, Doolittle has turned to the tried-and-true tactic of tying Brown to the North American Man Boy Love Association, via Brown’s membership in the American Civil Liberties Union, which once defended the right of an adult-bookstore owner to distribute photographs of underage boys masturbating.
Good grief, Charlie Brown. It’s as if the ACLU’s participation in such landmark cases as the Scopes Monkey Trial, Brown v. Board of Education and the NSA warrantless-wiretapping controversy never happened. Bites reminds Rep. Doolittle that anytime you point the finger at someone else, you’re pointing three fingers back at yourself.
Fits like a gov: Speaking of fingers, no column dealing with the scandalous behavior of public officials would be complete without mention of Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, whose past sordid transgressions have included appearances in softcore gay porno publications such as After Dark and the groping of various females on “rowdy movie sets.” Yet no matter how many times they throw Arnold’s underwear at the wall, it never seems to stick.
A recent story in Radar Online is the latest case in point. It seems that back in the 1980s, when visions of the Nuremberg Rally were still dancing in his head, the Bubengrabber let his fingers do the walking—right up a female accomplice’s coochie in a crowded restaurant. That’s right, the man who hopes to someday be president of the United States copped an extremely graphic feel while his smiling pals watched on. But don’t take Bites’ word for it. Go to www.radaronline.com and plug “fingernator” into the search engine.
Rubber match: So there Bites was, morbidly shoe gazing outside trendy Nishiki in Midtown, pondering the sorry state of modern political affairs when what should pop into view in the nearby gutter but a wholly intact condom package with the phrase “No on Prop. 85” imprinted upon it. Turns out the condom is part of Planned Parenthood’s campaign to defeat Proposition 85, which, if passed, would make California teens wait 48 hours after notifying their parents before having an abortion.
A visit to www.noon85.com informs that Proposition 85 supporters include conservatives such as the Traditional Values Coalition and the Evangelicals for Social Action. What is this right-wing obsession with underage sex? According to Planned Parenthood, in this case it’s more than a mere political perversion. The real goal is to overturn Roe v. Wade and eventually outlaw all abortions. Bites can think of no better reason to go to the polls November 7 than protecting the right to choose. Vote no on Proposition 85. And use a condom, kids. Lord knows there’s enough of you already.