No thanks to the Academy
Another batch of Oscars have been handed out, and once again I feel like the kid who never figures out what all the adults are laughing about. Notes on a Scandal, Venus, The Queen? What kind of Nerdo McNerdlinger nominated those movies? How does anyone expect me to track down Babel at some tiny artsy-fartsy theater (that probably doesn’t even have surround sound) when Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties was playing on four screens six times a day right down the street? That’s why I’ve decided its time to start my own awards show to honor the films that really deserve it: not the Oscars, but the Jeffs.
Everything about my shindig will be different than the Academy Awards, right down to the trophy itself. Where the Oscar statue cuts a proud and stately figure, the Jeff will simply be me in a recliner, falling asleep with a beer in my hand. The Jeffs don’t give half a crap about technical mumbo jumbo like “Best Art Direction” or “Best Cinematography.” Try “Best Witty One Liner Before Blowing Away Some Douchebag” (The Marine) and “Best Fucking Up of Tons of Shit” (X-Men 3).
In keeping with the Jeffs’ goal of giving awards to the real crowd pleasers, I plan to use some of that precious time between commercial breaks to honor a different sort of cinema vérité—the kind made by the adult-entertainment industry. Why pick Jenna Jameson over Martin Scorsese? Because only one of them is going to show up for an acceptance speech in a trashy low-cut gown, and it isn’t the guy who made The Aviator.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from the pages of Us Weekly, it’s that everybody loves a movie star, so the Jeffs definitely will have to big up some choice performances. Awards will be given for “The Guy who could Definitely Kick my Ass” (Jason Statham, Crank) and “Nice Job Scoring a Chick Way Out of your League, Bro” (Adam Sandler, Click). For the top female categories, there’d be “I’d Hit That” (Eva Green, Casino Royale) and, to replace the Supporting Actress, “I’d Hit That … If I Could Put a Bag Over Her Head” (Meryl Streep, The Devil Wears Prada).
The coveted Best Picture category would be narrowed down to Beerfest, Crank, Jackass: Number Two, X-Men 3 and the Super Bowl. So what if the big game technically isn’t a film. Anyone who doesn’t want to honor the greatest sporting event ever created shouldn’t be watching my sweet-ass awards show anyway. To cap the evening, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Steven Seagal will battle it out for the prestigious Lifetime Achievement Award—literally. In a historic live event, the coveted honor will be bestowed upon whoever survives a brutal no-holds-barred cage match to the death. Take that, Oscar!