Marley & Me

Rated 1.0

Veteran Hollywood scribes Scott Frank and Don Roos must have sucked the guts of John Grogan’s Marley & Me, because this deuce-drop (about Grogan, played by an in-Vicodin-coma Owen Wilson, and his jackass titular dog) bears little semblance to what purportedly was a well-written and hilarious Florida newspaper column. In the film, canine shenanigans repeatedly fail, like a Turner hammered on too much hooch, and the Grogans (including a flummoxed Jennifer Aniston as wife) are appalling, unsympathetic dog owners. And in the final act, when stabs at being a life-of-dog biopic—Old Yeller meets All the President’s Men meets final season of Friends—fall flat, you’ll be cheering for Wilson and Aniston to be Kevorkianized. )