¿Dónde are you going, dónde have you been?

Got a spicy question about Mexicans?
Letters will be edited for clarity cabrones—unless you’re a racist pendejo. And include a hilarious pseudonym, por favor, or we’ll make one up for you!

Dear Mexican:

We gabachos get differing reports regarding the Reconquista. Some say it’s a genuine movement well underway. Others claim it’ll never happen, but that it’s useful as a slogan that both antagonizes white America and energizes young Mexicans. Let’s say for now that it’s a genuine movement destined for success. What would victory look like? I mean culturally, politically, etc.? Would the ideal situation be for Mexico to annex the Southwest, or would it be preferred as a separate political entity, where Spanish is the language and Mexican culture is upheld, but without the drawbacks of being actually part of Mexico (kind of like the situation with Taiwan and China)? As I think about it, I guess what I’m trying to ask is how much influence does U.S. culture have on Mexicans that have lived in this country for a while? Do they start to appreciate some aspects of the American way of life enough to want to retain them into the future, or would everything American be rejected?

—Curious Gabacho in Oregon

Dear Gabacho:

You were doing such a good job, but that Know Nothing doubt at the end—¿qué chingada? Of course Mexicans appreciate the American way—if it wasn’t the case, you wouldn’t have seen so many of us screwed over by the mortgage meltdown. Gotta keep up with the Gonzalezes, you know?

But you really want to know what we wabs have in store for the Reconquista. Very simple. First, we exile Carlos Mencia. Then we’ll intermarry with all races to further the melting pot us Mexis created but you gabachos usurped. Some anchor baby will become presidente, equipped with a college degree just to fuck with y’all. Being good students of American history, we’ll make sure not to discriminate against minorities like ustedes did. The United States will continue stronger than before, and with no real change because Mexicans didn’t come to this país to turn it into another Mexico. But we’ll become too American—eventually, our growing sloth will be our downfall, and the Guatemalans will destroy us all.

From which states do the majority of Mexicans in the United States come from? I often see window and bumper stickers with the names of Mexican states. Do Mexicans distinguish themselves with statehood pride, apart from Mexican pride?

—Stately Señor

Dear Gabacho:

Segunda question first: Yes, just like Americans do, and just like goombahs distinguish their heritage as, say, either Sicilian or Genovese. First pregunta: It depends on where you live in los Estados Unidos. Numbers on the breakdown of how many Mexicans from a particular state have invaded the United States are notoriously inexact, with neither American or Mexican ethnographers providing accurate stats due to the double curveball of pochos who still identify with their parents’ states (like your humble wab—¡puro Jerez, Zacatecas, cabrones!) and illegals. Historically, the top states sending Mexicans to el Norte were from the northern and central parts of the country—Sonora, Jalisco, Zacatecas, Michoacán and the like—due to proximity, socioeconomic strife, and chain migration. But with the advent of the Reconquista, different Mexicans go to different places, and a lot of them are Mexicans gabachos never knew existed. California has the largest communities of folks from Oaxaca, many who don’t even speak Spanish as a first language. In Chicago, the dominant group is the chingones from Durango, whose main contributions to Mexi culture are Pancho Villa and pasito duranguense. It seems every third Mexican in Texas who ain’t Tex-Mex comes from northern Mexico, specifically Nuevo León, Tamaulipas and Chihuahua. And so many people from the central Mexican state of Puebla have migrated to the Big Apple in the past couple of decades—more than half of all Mexicans in the city, according to the Institute for Mexicans Abroad—that those in the know call it Puebla York. So, gabachos: Know your Mexicans so you better know how to hate. Quick hint: Tell those from Jalisco they’re little better than nayaritas …