It’s a jungle out there, which is why sometimes adventure begins or ends at home. Creativity is key within the more staid confines of one’s abode. The proper placement of a new house plant is your Gettysburg; some do-it-yourself carpentry your Waterloo. At home, adventure is where you find it. For instance, few summer experiences are more exhilarating than an air-conditioned romp between crisp, cool sheets. There’s no doubt about it. Chillin’ is thrillin’.
You’d love to get your sweetie a puppy or a kitten, but the last thing you want is your love doting on someone or something other than you. Instead, you head to Armstrong Bros. Capital Nursery to pick out the perfect plant to symbolize your love. After strolling through the nursery’s large collection of trees, shrubs, vines and other various plants, you decide on a fern—it will be your love fern!
Baby digs the plant, but doesn’t share your views about sharing the love. Two people who care about and love each other should be able to share that love with others, baby says. Emotionally and physically, baby adds. You’re not so sure. What if you get jealous? It’s the ultimate test of a relationship, your kinked-out companion explains. If the relationship doesn’t survive, then it wasn’t meant to be.
What the hell, you decide. If it’s not time to swing, it’s at least time to experiment.
The phone rings at home. It’s you-know-who again. Thank God for caller ID. You thought you’d take the slow, easy way out of this relationship, but it’s only prolonging the agony. Well, fool, there’s no such thing as a painless breakup. You should know that by now, but apparently you haven’t learned anything—and that’s probably why you’re in this mess. Basically, since you’ve opted against being direct, your only alternative is being a wimp, which means taking the passive-aggressive route, whereby you simply become so repellent that your honey naturally wants out. But look on the bright side: If you get creative with it, this’ll make for an adventurous summer, all right.
The morning after your revelation at the Fox & Goose Pub and Restaurant open mic, you rummage through the garage and dig out your old acoustic. You haven’t played in years, so a little inspiration is in order. You fire up the bong and try to recall the notes to “Smoke on the Water.”
Dunt-dunt-duh, dunt-dunt-duh-duh …
“That’s awesome!” you giggle.
Soon, all the old songs are flooding back. “Horse With No Name.” “Dueling Banjos.” “Dog & Butterfly.” You can do this! In your mind, you climb your own personal stairway to stardom: You’ll brush up on your guitar chops with lessons at the Fifth String music store. You’ll pick up a high-end Martin dreadnought at Skip’s Music. You’ll hit Hot Topic and outfit yourself with some suitable rock ‘n’ roll threads. You’ll play every open mic show you can possibly play. By next spring, you’ll surely be good enough for American Idol, and a nationwide television audience no doubt.
Well, maybe. Then again, perhaps your inspiration is extinguished along with the last load of icky-sticky. Panic and paranoia set in. There’s a reason your instrument has been gathering dust in the garage. Not only can’t you do this, you also don’t want to do this. For Chrissakes, you’re a grown-up now! It’s time to give up on this rock ‘n’ roll fantasy. Come to think of it, maybe you don’t want to go it alone, either.
Quite clearly, you’ve lost your mind. Perhaps it was the high-sugar content at Gunther’s Quality Ice Cream. You call locally owned Sunrise Pools, and it turns out a basic in-ground pool—a roughly 400-square-foot number that includes a deck, cleaning equipment, the whole shebang—starts at $30,000. In just six to eight weeks, from initial design to that first dive into the cool, refreshing water, you’ll be the most popular family in the neighborhood. Sounds great—except for the fact that your yard is barely more than 400 square feet to begin with and, oh yeah, the 30 grand part. You’d have to blow through both the kids’ anemic college funds to pay for it. You’re torn. No, really.
A. College, schmollege. Schools for fools, get the pool, your neighbors will drool. THE END.
B. For a more sensible aquatic choice see 58, Family Fun.