SN&R has learned of an open casting call this Saturday for “gorgeous lesbians 21 and over.” That’s our favorite kind! Here’s what we know (as usual, not much): Some Maxim magazine-sanctioned hottie is about to declare herself queer—and, naturally, to select a partner via reality TV. Because how better to fully accept lesbians into our culture than by making a sport of them for profit? But whatev; public mate-shopping is a part of us now, and besides, Venus Envy! ain’t a half bad name for a show. Er, not a show, “a defining moment in television history for our community,” according to its marketeers. Indeed, this threatens to expose at last the fine line between Pride and—well, um, shame. So, ladies, you’re going to check out www.venusenvycasting.com and show up to audition, whatever that means, on June 30, at Faces, 2000 K Street, from 9 p.m. to 2 a.m., right?

What’s that? Oh, yes. You’re wondering just whose heart you’ll be trying to win? Just who is this mystery dyke, anyway? Happy to help you make informed relationship choices, SN&R’s crack team of statisticians and investigators has narrowed down the possibilities. OK, no, we don’t have a clue. But here’s who we’re pretty sure won’t be coming out this week or anytime soon. Which isn’t to say they shouldn’t.

Donna Summer

Julia Roberts

Kelly Ripa

Dr. Laura

Fergie (either one)

Condi Rice

The Volkswagen Cabriolet

Ling-Ling the giant panda

Dakota Fanning

Tom Brokaw