Elements of deceit
I got back together with an old boyfriend even though I knew better. At the time, I was raw from other problems and in no mood to play mind games. I said that if he wasn’t sincere about giving me the kind of relationship I needed, he should move on. He knew that I didn’t really trust him and he begged me to. He insisted that he wanted only me. In our previous relationship, I knew I loved him and learned to live with him not really wanting me. This time he courted me. I believed him when he said that he loved me. Now he says he’s married to his job and I deserve better. I am shell-shocked because there was an element of deceit involved. I’m so embarrassed and hurt that I can barely function. I don’t dare tell my parents. Please help.
It’s tantalizing to read the words “there was an element of deceit involved.” Did you deceive yourself by hooking up even though you “knew better”? Or by knowing that you were “in no mood to play mind games,” yet entering a relationship where thriving with your brain in knots was a requirement? Or by being emotionally intimate with a man you didn’t trust? Or by failing to ask yourself whether you were sincere about giving yourself the kind of relationship that you needed? Or by avoiding the fact that your relationship with your parents doesn’t allow you to tell them the truth?
I understand that you believed it when he said that he loved you, but I’ll bet that you had to talk yourself into it. In the process, you repeatedly tucked away the small signs and questions that insisted it really wasn’t different this time around.
You’ve been at war with yourself, so feeling shellshocked is natural. Stop giving others ammunition to use against you. Do this by healing the neediness that accepts affection from others at any cost to you. Your ex is right about one thing: you deserve better.
I rarely talk about my spiritual beliefs, but after a new co-worker and I hit it off, I did. Later she gave me a book that changed my life. Now my thoughts are in order and explained. Prior to this, I had not read a book for about a year. I realize that I need to look within for answers. I believe that I have always been intuitive, but have tuned it out. I don’t want to lose this clarity. I feel really good, although it’s surreal. Should I seek guidance or discern all this on my own?
Books offer knowledge, which is an intellectual understanding of information. The emotional high you’re experiencing is temporary (thus you fear losing it) because information is only grasped by the mind and can rarely be transferred to daily life. By contrast, wisdom is eternal. Wisdom is gleaned from paying attention to your own life, processing suffering through a grounded value system, then consciously and devotedly applying what you have learned until it integrates in you. That’s far more labor than reading.
Intuition is an experience of reality without projection. Books cannot call you on your projections, which is why spiritual or religious teachers are helpful. Don’t get too caught in the belief that all answers are inside. It’s residue from the New Age, a fear of organized religion, which results in people being unable to ask for or receive help. Answers are potentially everywhere. If they weren’t, the book (which was outside) wouldn’t have been so helpful, right?