Dying to get in

Got a spicy question about Mexicans?
Letters will be edited for clarity cabrones—unless you’re a racist pendejo. And include a hilarious pseudonym, por favor, or we’ll make one up for you!

Dear Mexican:

I go to Mexico frequently, as I live in Tucson. I kinda like Mexicans. Many Mexicans die in the Sonoran Desert in the Tucson border sector, trying to get to el otro lado. This is because your buddies at la migra in the L.A. sector have pushed them over this way. Instead of sneaking in with small groups, why don’t Mexicans just mass at the border at a chosen spot in an urban location and come on in! Can’t catch them all. Migra will just send them back if they get caught. Then they can try again without risking no water, a three-day hike through hell, and lunch with the coyotes and vultures, Mexicans as the main course. If they change the entry spot every crossing, and organize it right, the Reonquista could happen by next month! Then again, Mexicans organizing any thing without comida, cerveza, tequila and música would be impossible. Migra would smell the tacos, hear the música and figure out the entry point. I know Mexicans have a dark, black humor streak in them, but seriously: people are dying over here. What do you think should be done? If they were only an endangered species, the U.S. would build sanctuaries for them and force them to breed!

—No More Border Deaths

Dear Gabacha:

Border deaths will only end with open borders—and mass attacks won’t lead to that. The problem with such scrums is that it gets gabachos freaked out and wanting to build walls. Migration by drips and dribbles, on la otra hand, has led to the current mexcellente situation of Reconquista. By the way, since when has anyone had to force a Mexican to have sex?

Soy un gabacho from way up north in the 530 area code. I was wondering if there was a cultural difference between Tapatío hot sauce and Cholula, other than the tremendous sombrero on top of the mustachioed dude on the Tapatío bottle and the very sexy Cholula chica in her not-too-revealing peasant garb. (I think they should transform her into more of a Mexican St. Pauli Girl.) Is the restaurant or roach coach that serves one salsa over another more authentic? Personally, I prefer the taste of Tapatío, but really dig the wooden cap on the Cholula. Your thoughts?

—Yakkin’ It in Yuba City

Dear Gabacho:

The Mexican enjoys both brands but prefers Tapatío, if only for its story: created in 1971 in Maywood, California, by Mexican immigrant José-Luís Saavedra, who saw a need for a hot sauce in an era where Pace Picante Sauce ruled (the full story, of course, is in my Taco USA: How Mexican Food Conquered America—and I promise this will be the only plug for it for at least a month). Cholula comes from Jalisco and is also good, but I’ve found that gabachos seem to prefer it over Mexicans because they somehow think it’s more “authentic.” Real paisas, meanwhile, prefer Valentina because it has a more vinegary flavor. But the best hot sauce on Earth? Poblano Hot Sauce out of Tucson, celebrating its 89th birthday this year. Now that that pendeja Jan Brewer is no longer governor of the Copper State, get thee down there, buy some cases and spike the coffee of those politicians waging total war against ethnic studies—then put it on your quesadillas. Versatile, it is!