Dress up your love
What today’s young couples need to stay together
It’s just so hard for young people to keep their relationships together. In my day, you got married, and you stayed married. You played canasta with the neighbors on Saturday, and you went to church on Sunday. Modern life has too many options. You can swap wives on television, have virtual affairs on the Inter-Web or go to the mall with your underwear showing outside your pants. No wonder you can’t stay focused on your spouses!
The ladies in my gardening club and I wanted to help our adult children hold on to love, but we didn’t know how. Then Gladys came in chattering about this person she saw on one of those late-night talk shows. This—pardon my language here—“sexpert” said couples could invigorate their marriages by encouraging a healthy fantasy life and trying something called “role playing.” We dropped our trowels when Gladys described the wild costumes those TV couples had on: nurses and patients, movie stars and adoring fans, schoolboys and stern teachers!
We realized that if we could get word out about this new idea, maybe we could help you kids salvage your relationships and turn this country’s divorce rate around. So, we changed our name from the Sacramento Ladies’ Gardening Society (SLGS) to Mothers Urging Frisky Fashions (MUFF) and dove right into our mission!
The ladies of MUFF scoured Sacramento’s shops to find the cutest little costumes for you young folks. We’re sure that with a little creativity and a few well-placed props, you can put some sizzle back into your relationships. And if things are cooking in that department, everything else will sort itself out. Just ask me and my Harvey; we never miss our post-canasta rendezvous.
We hope we don’t get in trouble with Father Bryce for telling you this, but the Catholic Store at 1938 Broadway stocks school uniforms for high-schoolers, which should fit adults. There are jumpers, plaid skirts, slacks and neckties. It might be best to pretend you’re shopping for a student, so you don’t upset the devout employees of this holy retail outlet.
As for accessories, a virtual store called Divine Interventions (www.divine-interventions.com) sells something called a Baby Jesus “butt plug” that’s awfully cute. I’m not sure where you’d put it when it’s not Christmastime, but I think it’s wonderful that the younger generations are coming back to religion. Finally, Evangeline’s Costume Mansion at 113 K Street in Old Sacramento has breath mints (in a lovely tin with a picture of the Last Supper), which you just might need after saying all those Hail Marys.
Rich housewife and working-class hero
This one’s not just a fantasy in the suburbs. I have heard stories around the canasta table that would curl your hair. From what I gather, a housewife on the prowl should answer the door in something revealing, as if she’s been caught in the middle of getting dressed. Prevues at 2417 K Street has vintage slips, and Kiss N Tell, with locations at 2401 Arden Way and 4201 Sunrise Boulevard, Suite G, sells feathered mules and teddies.
For a working-class outfit, try the Dickies clothes at Joe Sun and Co., 704 K Street. Make yourself a delivery or repair person in shorts and a pressed shirt or greasy coveralls and sew on a nametag patch from Evangeline’s that reads “Pervert” or “Dirty Whore”—not that you should ever use that kind of language in daily life, mind you. For the truly wild, Joe Sun also sells orange coveralls that would turn a working-class hero into an escaped convict who hasn’t had a partner in years and just has to … oh, excuse me. Let’s move on, shall we?
Sacramento King and Kings fan
Buy a Kings jersey, add a couple of terrycloth wrist bands and splash your face with water. Now you’re a player fresh from the game and ready to meet your biggest fan, who happens to be wearing a satin Kings negligee, also available at Joe Sun. (I tested this number with Harvey and actually got him to turn off the television during the playoffs! Of course, it was halftime.) Just be sure to play safely, or you’ll be shopping for Kings baby clothes.
Prevues has a whole wall of impossibly tall, plastic high-heeled shoes and thigh-high boots, plus a secret back room filled with tiny underwear and teensy breakaway costumes like nurse and construction worker. Add some false eyelashes, body glitter and sequined pasties, and you’ll have your mate scrambling for dollar bills. Just don’t make Gladys’ mistake and attempt to pole-dance with a floor lamp. Her heels got tangled in the cord, and she’s been limping ever since.
Elvis, elves and Egyptians
The ladies of MUFF have given you a few ideas, but your fantasy life is as wide as your imagination can make it, so go explore your dress-up options! Prevues and Cheap Thrills, at 1207 21st Street, carry costumes all year long, and Evangeline’s opens up its two-floor costume mansion every fall. Evangeline’s and Prevues stock dozens of wigs, studded leather cuffs and collars, fishnet stockings and other daring accessories. And whatever you can’t find in town, you can always find on the Inter-Web or the Home Shopping Channel. Now go have fun, kids, and please stick together!
What are Klingons like in bed?
Find out in fan fiction
Just because I bought the Klingon dictionary doesn’t mean I’ve lost the battle. After all, I don’t live in my parents’ basement, and the Starfleet uniform in the closet no longer fits. Sure, I can tell an engineer from a science officer, and I can usually spot the phaser-bait security guy in the first frame, but—well, OK, so I’m a geek. I live for Star Trek, have written an academic paper on Xena: Warrior Princess, take philosophical lessons from Buffy the Vampire Slayer and actually watch the Law and Order: Special Victims Unit marathons that USA runs on long holiday weekends.
But I know I’m not alone. There are a lot of us out there, with a lot of fixations. Sex, for example. Yes, even geeks love it—and we’ve got the stories to prove it.
It’s not necessary to learn all the insider lingo in order to find a little fan-written fiction on the Web and enjoy a rousing, fantasized romp (or even a ménage) with the characters of Gene Roddenberry’s dreams. Fan fiction, as it’s known, has come a long, long way from the mimeographed sheets that we bought from vendors at conventions back in the day. Nowadays, the geeks have all sorts of highly developed ways of pretending to get it on.
It’s generally agreed that fan fiction began with private mailing lists of fans who sent stories through the actual U.S. mail, back when dinosaurs roamed the Earth and television required an antenna. Many of those early stories included sexual content. A lot involved a sexual relationship between Kirk and Spock. Most were written by straight women. Who knew?
But the real fan-fic explosion owes its origin to an important cultural convergence: Internet mailing lists and Xena: Warrior Princess. The fans who took up quills to write their own Xena stories had a couple of big advantages. First, what came to be called “subtext”—the relationship between the raven-haired warrior and her blond sidekick Gabrielle—was more than a hint for the show’s writers; it was a fact. The pair declared their everlasting and undying love for each other regularly—at least, when they weren’t betraying each other. Second, Xena’s producers, unlike some owners of copyrighted characters, didn’t really object to having fans produce their own stories. In fact, they hired one fan-fic writer, Missy Good, to do a couple of actual episodes.
And oh, the variety that legacy has secured for us! Now there are crossovers, in which characters from different shows—on different networks, no less—find true love and multiple orgasms. There are what’s called über-fics, in which the characters are reincarnations of Xena and Gabrielle—or, occasionally, Star Trek: Voyager’s Captain Janeway and Seven of Nine—finding eternal happiness together. And the stories all have ratings, from “All Ages” to “Over 18 only,” “PWP” (“Plot? What plot?”) and “Don’t read this at work!”
There’s a fan-fic story—or two dozen—for every taste, from straight-up adventure to mild romance to what Sacramento fan-fic author Shaych calls “juice-sluice” stories. “Those are the ones, you know, in which the women are always ‘dripping with honeyed essence,’” she told me. Shaych, who’s written in the Xena, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Star Trek: Voyager, ER and Law and Order: SVU “fandoms,” isn’t so partial to “juice-sluice.” “I’m more into the relationship,” she said.
But if you are looking to get your sluice juiced, or for any other kind of sex involving humans; Borgs; Klingons; Trills; Bajorans; ancient Greek warriors; Chicago public-hospital workers; New York City police detectives and district attorneys; and slayers, vampires and witches—or even those four girls from The Facts of Life—there’s a site somewhere with a story for you. Just admit it: You’re one of us. You’ve wondered what Klingons are like in bed. Well, it’s possible to find out without ever leaving your basement.
Rumor has it, by the way, that they purr.
Where to get your fan-fic fix
The Royal Academy of Bards:
Xena, Xena and more Xena. Also: Xena.
Sacramento’s own. The source for mucho lesbian fan fic.
SVU Fiction Archive:
The mischief started in the Special Victims Unit. Now all the Law and Order-ers are involved. Don’t miss the Law and Order: Criminal Intent/Monk crossover, “Mr. Monk and the NYPD.” It’s definitely rated “G” for no sex and lots of guffaws.
The Adult Fan Fiction Haven:
Everything from comic books to television shows, movies and anime. For heaven’s sake, make sure you’re over 18.
The Kirk/Spock Fanfiction Archive:
Yep, it’s still possible to “go where no man has gone before.”