Defining cops, cartels and chorizo

Got a spicy question about Mexicans?
Letters will be edited for clarity cabrones—unless you’re a racist pendejo. And include a hilarious pseudonym, por favor, or we’ll make one up for you!

Dear Mexican:

What do Mexicans in the United States think of the violent drug cartel problem currently in Mexico? Do local Latinos cringe with disgust or fear when they hear another drug cartel story on the news … or do they feel a sense of disconnect because they are living in America now and it’s no longer a concern of theirs? Do local Latinos currently fear crossing San Diego/Mexico border? Do they worry about being kidnapped or carjacked on the way to Rosario like Caucasian people do right now?

—Yo Gabba Gabacho

Dear Gabacho:

Mexicans can be scared of the cartels all they want, but far more frightening to the majority of the population is the Mexican legal system. Police officers in the state of Guerrero are being investigated in the kidnapping of more than 40 student teachers; last year, a judge set free Rafael Caro Quintero, the notorious drug lord implicated in the murder of DEA agent Enrique Camarena. And the less than can be said about President Enrique Peña Nieto, the better …actually let me take that back. PINCHE PENDEJO BABOSO.

By the way, you and your fellow gabachos gotta stop thinking the mundo revolves around you. Unless you’re a meth dealer delinquent on your payments or a drug-war soldier, gabachos in Mexico can walk around with impunity—you’re Quetzalcoatl incarnate. No way are the cartels stupid enough to kidnap a random gabacho or kill them—otherwise, Obama would drone the narcos to kingdom come, and the Mexican government would pretend to care about justice. But if you’re one of the many Mexicans in los Estados Unidos kidnapped when traveling in Mexico, or have paid ransoms for family members? The American and Mexican governments don’t care—after all, those victims are just Mexicans.

A friend and I ate at Carl’s Jr. My Arizona Republic newspaper was on our table. A young guy brought our food, glanced down at the headline and winced. It read “‘Chorizo’ new mascot for Cactus League.” We asked him why he’d winced. “Chorizo,” he said with disgust. “You speak Spanish? It means ‘meat.’” “It’s a swear word,” I said, “like cabrón, pinche?” He glared at the paper. “They are so stupid.” So, chorizo = meat = prick, yes?

—Su Amor Uni-lingual

Dear My Beloved Monolingual:

Let me show you my chorizo, and you can find out!

Why do Mexicans ALWAYS hand-deliver invitations to birthday parties, quinceañeras, baby showers, bridal showers, etc. to streetside mailboxes, rather than mailing them through the U.S. mail or delivering them to the door (which is less than 20 feet away from the streetside mail box). Regardless of the fact that it is a felony to put items into U.S. mailboxes, it seems to be impractical with gasoline at over $3 a gallon to be hand-delivering invitations.

—Mail Male

Dear Gabacho:

Heaven forbid Mexicans practice good manners! This is a relic of Old Mexico, where mail was an illusion and inviting people personally was an opportunity to catch up with the invitee. It’s actually a beautiful thing, much better than getting an eVite or overlooking an invitation on Facebook because it got buried in your feed under the umpteenth Candy Crush Saga update.