Brew the perfect cup

A coffee novice has your simple guide to making the perfect cup. Step 1: Don’t take literally.

If you’ve ever tried brewing your own coffee, you’ve probably noticed: There’s a heck of a lot of options out there. Espresso? More like, “espress-I don’t-know!” Dark roast? Sure, that sounds like it would taste good. Wait, does the water go in here? Whoops, no it does not.

Between all the different ingredients, methods and philosophies, it’s hard to navigate elite coffee culture and also know that what you’re brewing is “the good stuff.” It might even get to the point where you’re too intimidated to even try. What if your guests turn up their noses? What if your partner leaves you for a highly skilled barista? What if your roast is really, truly disgusting?

Luckily, there’s a foolproof method to ensure that every cup of coffee you pour is astoundingly delicious. All you need are a few essential ingredients, a little patience and a pure heart.

What you’ll need:

• 1 bag of whole bean coffee with tasteful packaging

• Water

Step 1: Pour coffee beans down the drain. Pour the water as well to make sure no beans get lodged in the pipe.

Step 2: Tell any guests expecting coffee that you’re out, but if they assist you in a series of tasks, soon they will be drinking an incredibly rich and fulfilling beverage.

Step 3: With the help of your guests, draw a circle on the ground, large enough to fit a human in the fetal position.

Step 4: Place one guest at the center of the ring. Those remaining should sit around the circle at an equal distance from each other. Then say in unison, “Coffee please!”

Step 5: Assuming the ritual works, the guest should have transmuted into a piping hot, perfectly brewed cup of coffee. If you want more cups, repeat this ritual to satisfy any remaining guests.

Step 6: Enjoy!