Breaking news …
… another terror plot foiled!
This one dwarfs all terror plots previously foiled by our diligent Homeland Securers. This makes Dick the shoe bomber, that fellow subdued by a stewardess as he tried unsuccessfully to set his sneaker on fire, look lame.
It makes Umer and Hadid, the father-and-son popsicle vendors from Lodi who were funneling profits from their Fudgesicle sales to fund terrorist camps in Afghanistan—or something like that—look harmless.
This makes the plot to attack Fort Dix—home to 14,000 combat ready soldiers—by six wannabe jihadists (a taxi driver, a pizza-delivery man, a 7-11 clerk and three unemployed roofers) appear ill-conceived.
This makes the plot to blow up JFK and Queens with a few strategically placed bombs (shoe bombs, no doubt—the obvious weapon of choice of these evildoers) hatched by a former baggage handler and a couple of dudes from Trinidad who got double-crossed by a government-paid drug addict they recruited as an accomplice seem not-so-horrific.
No, this one’s the “mother” of all terror plots, according to federal investigators. It was foiled because an alert busboy at an Indian diner in Des Moines overheard three Arabs (later identified as an Iraqi butcher, baker and candlestick maker) planning to set the Alaskan oil pipeline on fire.
According to an FBI spokesman, this would have melted the state of Alaska right down the middle and caused 250,000 square miles of frozen tundra to fall into the ocean, producing a “frigid tidal wave which would have wiped out the entire West Coast, chilling and killing millions.”
The heroic employee of Harmeet’s Eats heard the candlestick maker—the apparent master-mind of the plot—tell his accomplices that an attack on Alaska would be especially hurtful to Americans, because Alaska is “the home of Santa Claus and the Seven Dwarfs.” Though clearly confused about these American icons, this statement “exemplifies the extreme evilness of these people who hate us for our freedom,” warned the spokesman.
When taken into custody, the trio of would-be terrorists had in their possession a book of matches, a Bic lighter and, not surprisingly, several candles.
“It was a close call,” the press officer concluded. “They were ready to roll.”
Be afraid. Be very, very afraid.