America’s Next Top Muscle

It takes a certain type of person to pick up this paper every week. You’re a free-thinker. An individual. And fluorescent, Nike-swooshed gym culture is probably not your scene.

Maybe you’re a “green” crusader with an aversion to energy-guzzling treadmills. Maybe you can’t stand the predictability of barbells and grunts and mirrors flecked with testosterone-infused sweat. Maybe you feel that Mars in retrograde has you in an exercise slump.

SN&R’s fitness guide recognizes that you are unique (read: stubborn and full of excuses). So we’ve researched alternative fitness options around town to help you combat any aversions you have to big exercise:

Excuse 1: Barbells bore you: Grab a bat and take that stir-crazy agression out on some old tires with Chip Conrad at Bodytribe Fitness.

Excuse 2: Muscles are just the work of a medicine man: World Natural Bodybuilding Federation champion Michelle Shepherd will smack you upside the head with her sugar-free cheesecake.

Excuse 3: It’s hard to develop a routine: take Susan Jones’ 30-day “hot” yoga challenge at Bikram Yoga Sacramento and embrace the daily sweat-drench with fellow sadists.

Excuse 4: Panting on a treadmill just isn’t that sexy: spin ’round a pole with Jenna King’s Body Beautiful “no-it’s-not-a-stripper-class” Workout.

Excuse 5: Life’s too short to diet: Add elements of the raw diet into your daily meals to promote long-term health through nutrition.

Excuse 6: My ruling planet is making me lethargic: Michael Mercury’s Astro Yoga class will explain why.