Lawyers’ party time

Note to American Media—I literally could NOT care less about Hillary’s emails. I literally could NOT care less about Hillary’s emails. I literally could NOT care less about Hillary’s emails.

Picture a campfire. It’s the campfire called Hillary’s Emails. It’s located next to the fire called Benghazi. That Benghazi blaze has, finally, mercifully, gone out. Completely out. Thank fucking Gawd! This ornery little email fire, however, has a couple of embers, deep in its bed of coals, that are still a-flicker. Still clinging, in that amazingly long-lived way of coals, to life. Embers that are still showing the faintest signs of orange. And just before these last coals finally and irretrievably die off, never to be revived again to give any heat whatsoever to the rapidly chilling Republican night, some lame-ass jerkoff comes along and pisses a stream of kerosene upon them, thereby extending their miserable, worthless existence for a few precious minutes longer. For fux sakes, let this Fool’s Fire go out, already! And yes, if you find an email that reveals Hillary has been selling precious Top Secrets to Kim Jong-Un in exchange for the hundreds of oxycontins that she needs to feed the insidious opioid addiction she’s been hiding for years, fine. Whip that one on me. That’s a tip-top scandal, and I’ll be right there scarfing it up. But until you dig up something along those lines, please remember—I literally could NOT care less about Hillary’s emails.

So the coroner in Miami announced that pitcher Jose Fernandez was drunk at the time of his fatal boat wreck (BAC.147) and also had coke in his system. Gee, what a shock, and who’da thunk it? Now, do these revelations make him a bad guy? Of course not. They just confirm the obvious—when a man dies in a boat wreck at three in the morning, you can pretty much take it to the bank that he had a buzz on. A pretty good one. So in the end, Jose’s not a bad guy. Not at all. He just fucked up. Sometimes, our fuckups have a very expensive price tag.

Speaking of high-priced fuckups, how about our kooky Nevada Division of Forestry? Now that it’s admitted the disastrous fire in Little Valley was a result of its “controlled” burn in the area, I think we have a solid contender for Fuckup of The Year. From the RGJ—“the data suggested the State of Nevada could face significant liability because the blaze sparked from a controlled burn.” Gee—ya think? How many millions is this little booboo gonna cost us? This has LPT written all over it—Lawyers’ Party Time!