Starring Kate Beckinsale and Scott Speedman Rated R.
Rated 2.0 “Can you get any more Goth pretentious?” utters one incredulous character in the goofily entertaining The Convent when confronted with a particularly egregious case of a Calvin Klein ad gone nihilist.

One wonders what she would have said if confronted with Underworld. Not that I have anything against the whole Goth thing, being a sort of crypto-Goth myself, but sometimes the trappings take on an air of self-parody. And while Underworld starts off strong, ultimately it falls into the same trap.

In a rain-soaked European city of perpetual night, a centuries-old blood feud rages between two opposing clans, vampires and werewolves (or, amusingly enough, Goths versus Headbangers). Vacuum-packed pleather babe Kate Beckinsale is on the side of the vamps, a supernatural torpedo of sorts whose focus is to eliminate the werewolves (called Lycans) at every given opportunity. She’s been doing a good job, and the Lycans are down to a desperate few, but they’ve got a potential ace up their sleeve. Bring in the Romeo for Juliet.

Loud, flashy, and perpetually dark, it is for the most part everything the trailer promised. Unfortunately, toward the end the mythology gets hopelessly muddled and culminates in a ludicrous climax that elicits laughter, not tension. Beckinsale is pleatherable throughout, however.