Spring cleaning

Time to get rid of those relics collecting dust … including Hootie

Hootie & the Blowfish

Hootie & the Blowfish

Everyone has a few skeletons in the closet. We’re not talking the creepy emotional kind here … more like the creepy Hootie & the Blowfish kind—you know, that CD you bought back in ‘94 (along with 15 million other people) because your high school girlfriend liked it. (’Tis on par with Nickelback, for you youngsters). Or how about that sure-fire self-help book that was going to make you a rich and successful babe-magnet in just 10 days, 10 years ago?

Well it’s time to take out the trash, and the CN&R staff is doing just that. We’re dusting off our CDs, DVDs and books that clutter our shelves and closets and giving them new homes. Like they say, “One man’s garbage is another man’s treasure.” If you like what you see we’ve included some of the following in one kick-ass little giveaway bin. Feel free to come on down to the office and take them off our hands … and no, we will not pay you.

Meredith J. Cooper, associate editor

1. Cutting Class
Oh, Brad Pitt, how I loved thee. You’re still beautiful, but now you’re all married and stuff. Not like back in ‘89, when you were playing a basketball hunk who comes up against a psycho killer when he should have been in class. If only I still had a VCR …

2. MTV The Grind
I went through a little phase a few years ago when I couldn’t get enough home workout DVDs. I had Tae Bo, The Firm and Carmen Electra’s, uh, toning video. And then I got MTV’s The Grind, with Real World alum Eric Nies grooving shirtless to bad ‘90s pop. Needless to say, I got the moves down, and you’re the first people I’ve told.

3. Hootie & the Blowfish, Cracked Rear View
I actually bought this CD. And liked it. I must have played “Hold My Hand” and “Only Wanna Be With You” 100 times while doing chemistry homework in the 10th grade. Oh, the good old days.

4. 21 Jumpstreet, Season 1
This one was a gift. Really. A friend thought it was cute when I told her how I used to watch the show religiously (actually I recorded it because it was on during Sunday school) after discovering at the tender age of 13 the droolworthiness of boys and, more important, Johnny Depp. It’s good to know some things never change.

5. Call of Duty 4
This one isn’t actually mine to get rid of, but I wouldn’t exactly mind if it accidentally made its way into the giveaway pile. It’s like a drug, I tell ya, and my boyfriend is addicted.

Jason Cassidy, calendar editor

1. 2 Do Before I Die
A book that snuck into my house a year ago and that I opened just now. Featured tip No. 29: “Wear High Heels.” And into the recycling bin.

2. The Secret
I know I shouldn’t judge before watching, but the tagline “The secret has traveled through centuries to reach you” makes it impossible for me to even open the case. Sorry, Oprah.

3. WAV Sound Effects
This software was in with the CDs for some reason. It’s compatible with Windows 3.1 and Windows 95.

4. Kurt Cobain Journals
I know that, being a music fan and big fan of Nirvana in particular, that I should want to hold onto this, but despite my pack-rattiness with music stuff, I’m not a collecting sort of guy. This was mildly entertaining and insightful, but I will never open it again.

5. The Golding Institute, Final Relaxation
Experimental spoof on relaxation tapes. Just one guy’s voice, with a single sustained tone, for more than 31 minutes. I brought this home from the CN&R promo pile, but could never sit through one listen. The concept of a relaxation CD that makes you relax so much that you die is kind of cool though. On second thought, this one goes in the CDs-that-will-never-be-played-again-but-may-need-to-be-referenced-later pile.

Melissa Daugherty, special sections editor

1. Jodeci, Diary of a Mad Band
A present from my high school boyfriend/ex-fiancé/captain of the football team. Uh, he was nice.

2. The Bride
Sting and Jennifer Beals star in some twist on Frankenstein. This was one of those films in Blockbuster’s $5 bin. I think I’ve gotten through the first 15 minutes … a couple of times. Love you, Sting, but stick to songwriting, dude.

3. Useful Idiots: How Liberals Got It Wrong in the Cold War and Still Blame America First
Thanks, mom. Or was it dad who gave me this book? Mom, remember when you were a hippie/single mom and had that beautiful Gloria Steinem quote framed in our living room? I do.

4. Songs from Ally McBeal
Vonda Shepard’s lounge singing provided the soundtrack for the show that made me (and a million other girls) think being an attorney might be cool. Then I met some attorneys.

5. Mars and Venus Starting Over
A self-help book my mom gave me after the breakup with the high school boyfriend/ex-fiancé/captain of the football team. I dumped him, mom, hello!

Mazi Noble, editorial designer

1. Jennifer Lopez, On the 6
With Out of Sight and U-Turn still playing in my subconscious, On the 6 seemed like a natural way to continue my post-pubescent fascination with Jennifer Lopez. Now, some 10 years and 10 or 11 movies, and a couple of terrible albums, Jennifer Lopez needs to get back on the 6 and kick rocks.

2. Christina Milian, It’s About Time
In this second debacle, Christina Milian’s musical offering sits unopened and unwanted in my all-too-impressive music collection. It’s About Time is a prime example of why I hate BMG.

3. Born Soul, Blacker the Berry Sweeter the Juice!
Now this CD has a bit of a complicated story behind it that I will not go into right now, partially because I don’t really have the time and partially because I don’t remember the story very accurately. Anywho, I really like some of the songs but I haven’t listened to the album in about six years … so the berry is really not that sweet any longer. More like vinegar-y?

4. Fun Lovin’ Criminals, Come Find Yourself
The Fun Lovin’ Criminals’ album, Come Find Yourself, seemed like a great concept, fun and possibly enlightening. But FLC fell short of finding themselves and the only criminal thing about this CD was that I paid $3.98 for it. Damn, a gallon of gas gone.

5. Bavu Blakes, Create & Hustle
My Spidey-senses have never steered me more wrong than when I took a chance on Create & Hustle by Bavu Blakes. He must be related to Red Sox first baseman, Bill Buckner because Blakes failed to make the easy play. I was rooting for him, too. And he never came back for spring training.

Evan Tuchinsky, editor

1. V: The Original TV Miniseries
I remembered thinking this miniseries was so cool. Too late, I remembered I was 15 at the time.

2. V: The Final Battle
Oh yes, I bought ’em both!

3. Kelly Clarkson, “Before Your Love/A Moment Like This” CD single
“Oh, I can’t believe it’s happening to me"—it being the shame of admitting I own this.

4. Nagel: The Art of Patrick Nagel
This book is going for 42 cents on Amazon.com. And my Nagel: The Book lithograph? Don’t wanna know …

5. Tanita Tikaram, The Sweet Keeper; Eleven Kinds of Loneliness
Turns out I love exactly two of her songs, and they’re on two other albums. Glad I kicked the eBay habit.

Mark Lore, arts editor

1. Murder By Death, Who Will Survive, and What Will Be Left of Them?
I bought it for the title alone. This CD was a victim of me being in the mood for something heavy and sinister and getting something mopey and meek instead. Listened to one song. Once.

House of Pain.

2. House of Pain, Truth Crushed to the Earth Shall Rise Again
What’s with these long album titles? By the time their final record came out I realized that Everlast and the boys had lost it. Although “Jump Around” (not featured on this album) is one of the best songs ever.

3. Those Who Trespass
This book was written by Bill O’Reilly. I think my dad gave it to me after I made him read Michael Moore’s Stupid White Men. It’s a work of fiction … sorta like his TV show.

4. Korn, Follow the Leader
A long time ago I tried selling all my Korn CDs, save for the first album. I’ve tried to sell this one to The Underground close to 17 times with no success. When they said I’d have to pay them to take it, I gave up.

5. Echobrain
This is Jason Newsted’s first post-Metallica effort. Since then he’s gone on to … well, maybe I’ll just keep it.

Robert Speer, news editor

1. Soeur Sourire, The Singing Nun
I found this in a box of old vinyl albums in the garage, in between a Little Milton platter and an ancient Elvis album. I’d ditch it, but it’s my wife’s, a relic of her Catholic-school teen years, so it’s memorabilia and stays. Remember “Dominique, nique, nique"?

2. Annie
When my daughter was about 4, she watched this video so many times she learned all the songs by heart and would belt them out to anyone willing to listen. It was the beginning of a childhood career in musical theater, but if I hear “Tomorrow” one more time I’ll retch.

3. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens
This one came along far too late to do me any good.

4. The Straight Poop: A Plumber’s Tattler
Great title, but it’s 20 years old and out of date. The last time I used it, while installing new fixtures in a bathroom sink, the project took seven hours.

5. Airbud: The Seventh Inning Fetch
Hollywood came up with six—count ’em, six—variations on this dog-that-can-play-sports theme, and my son loved them all. These days I find old videos like this one under his bed and in the corners of his closet.