Smartism 101

You know what they say about ape-like creatures with big feet.

You know what they say about ape-like creatures with big feet.

Schoolz back frum summer
It’s been said that college is the best time of your life … ain’t that the truth! It’s all boozin’, snoozin’ and foosin’ for four straight years, baby! Yeah!! Whoo! Oww! Yowza! Yeeeeee-haaaawww!!! … And I just exhausted all the ways of simulating excitement with the written word.

Now, I don’t mean to be a buzz-kill, but I have a message to all students: Once you reach the real world, you’ll find that you CANNOT show up to a job while intoxicated or extremely hungover. You might be able to pull that off in your English lab, but not at a 9-to-5 that doesn’t involve operating a Fry Daddy.

To be fair, not all students are here to party. (Did I just use the word “party” as a verb?) Some spend endless nights on the third floor of the library surrounded by a laptop and a pile of books, writing papers and studying for mid-terms, stopping only occasionally to MySpace and Facebook their friends. (Wait, did I just use MySpace and Facebook as verbs?)

Anyway, welcome back, kids. Have a great year. Get smart. Be smart. And remember these powerful words, which will guide you through the next four years under President Paul Zingg, but not under President George W. Bush (let’s impeach him, Chico City Council! Yeah!! Whoo! Oww! Yowza! Yeeeeee-haaaawww!!!):

It’s better to be a smart-ass who’s dumb than to be a dumb-ass who’s smart.

And tuning in here every week will make you more smarter.

School can be chool
As university life resumes, I’m reminded of some of the great rock songs about school … most of them negative. I guess it wouldn’t be cool to sing about how you scored an A+ on that math test, or to write a song about playing Abe Lincoln in the school play. OK, the Beach Boys did sing about school spirit in “Be True to Your School,” but the song didn’t really come into its own until a little New York band named Twisted Sister redid it 20 years later as “Be Chrool to Your Scuel.”

Notice some of the truly great, classic school songs are about rebellion and having fun. The Ramones sang “I just wanna have some kicks / I just wanna get some chicks” in “Rock N Roll High School.” Probably one of the most famous songs is “School’s Out” by Alice Cooper, where he muses: “Well we got no class / And we got no principles / And we got no innocence / We can’t even think of a word that rhymes.”

Actually there’s something quite brilliant about that line.

In search of Bigbrain
I think the finest gathering of intelligentsia happened about a week ago when a couple of hikers held a press conference at a hotel in Palo Alto claiming that they had found Bigfoot in Georgia … no, not the country that just got bombed to kingdom come by Russia.

The two outdoorsmen had revealed a photo and said they’d provide DNA evidence Aug. 15 to a roomful of reporters. Sure enough, the room filled up with journalists from all over the area. And DNA was provided. For an opossum.

What a bunch of morons! Everyone knows Bigfoot was discovered in 1987 by John Lithgow. And they call themselves journalists! You see, stick with me and you will grow intelligenter every week.

It ain’t broke
There are some very smart kids up in Paradise. In 2001 a group of artistic, like-minded individuals created Voice Magazine, an impressive, glossy publication for local artists and writers. The mag is still kicking and has featured interviews and works from some big-name comic editors including Marvel’s Joe Quesada.

The group will put on its third music event, Broken Strings III, Friday and Saturday, Aug. 22 and 23. It just seems to get bigger and better every time, and this year’s event will include performances by locals Red Giant, Knowvella, The Shimmies, Life Scoundrel and the Guilty Smiles, Burke, Erin Lizardo, and tons more, 6 p.m.-1 a.m. at the Paradise Performing Arts Center.

Sounds eclectic … whatever the hell that means.

Spanish Verb of the Week: “fiestar”