Not so sweet

While on the fuzzy muzzle of it, it might seem like a bitchin’ idea to make a chick-flick version of a werewolf movie, Blood and Chocolate pretty much fails as anything other than a direct-to-DVD product that inexplicably made the rotation at the multiplexes. Penned by the otherwise reliable Ehren Kruger (Arlington Road) and directed by Katja von Garnier, the story is a Goth-friendly tale of a young werewolf chick who falls in love with a regular Joe, although she is betrothed to the leader of the pack. Swoon.

Unfortunately, all the movie does is reassign the tropes and clichés of the vampire mythos and apply them to werewolves … actually, just wolves. No shaggy monsters to be found here, just shallow-chested male models leaping into the air, assuming an eldritch glow and landing on four paws. Yawn. Smoldering, resentful gazes are exchanged, stilted monologues are aired in bad accents, and at times it seems as if the young males of the pack are about to start snappin’ their fingers as they break into a dance on the back alley cobblestones of Bucharest.

Essentially, von Garnier does for the genre what Green Day did for punk rock. That’s not a good thing, unless you think mascara and punk posturing make for a good mix. It doesn’t help matters much that it is saddled with a ludicrous title that has absolutely nothing to do with the premise or any of the proceedings, other than the fact that the protagonist works at a chocolate shop … and would it be too much to presume that if chocolate is deadly to dogs, that trait would also apply to wolves? For a film with blood in the title, this is one seriously bloodless affair, both literally (PG-13, eh) and figuratively.

Of course, my night isn’t ruined if my blacks don’t match, so I’m obviously not part of the target audience.