Vote against

Just for the record, I want you to know I harbor no illusions—none whatsoever—as to my ability to impact, in even the tiniest way, this election. This is because I’m well aware of two important factoids. One—the number of Republicans who read This Space for political direction is equal to the number of polar bears in Pyramid Lake. Two—so called “swing voters” read my stuff as often as Republicans.

I accept this readily and without complaint. It’s just fine that approximatly 100 percent of my readers are already seated in the Clinton Choir, knowing that when they read my stuff, they’ll be getting political observations from a guy just to the left of Lady Gaga.

In the last few months, I’ve been approaching Trump as a clown (el payaso!) with no chance. But now, with polls narrowing, I’ve had to reconsider—and it’s slightly terrifying. It brings to mind the words of the late Comstock newsman Travus T. Hipp, who warned me back in ’00 that Dubya was gonna be a tragically horrible POTUS. And, of course, TTH was spot on.

Now, I’m considering the possibility that Trump could actually win, and I get the firm, unshakable feeling that this is a guy who could make Dubya the Decider look like Teddy Freakin’ Roosevelt. Especially after seeing a particularly sobering segment on Rachel Maddow’s show recently about this fucking frog meme mascot called Pepe, who’s now all over the web wearing SS hats and sporting a Hitler mustache, and he’s become the darling of the newly named “alt right” demo (translation: skinheads, Nazis, racist pukes) and I’m wondering how many dirtbags are out there who now feel safe to crawl out from under their rocks, spew their incredibly toxic bullshit, and then—vote.

But maybe I can help. Just maybe. (1) Vote. Just do it. No complacency! Especially with super convenient early voting, it’ll take all of five to 10 minutes. (2) Millennials, you have to up your game. The number of millennials who can vote in this election is now the same as us old fart baby boomers, about 69 million in each group. Yet, in 2012, 69 percent of BBs voted, compared to a paltry 46 percent of millennials, and that simply ain’t gonna cut it, M peeps! You’ve got to do your part to thwart the dreams of El Presidente Payaso Peligroso (Dangerous Clown President). Whatever lameass excuse you had to not vote, just realize that’s exactly what it was. A lameass excuse. You fucked off four years ago. OK, fine. Now, it’s time to put on your big-person pants and be a real citizen and save the country from what could be a very unfunny punchline.