The Gunman

Rated 1.0

I'll say this for Sean Penn: even though he has a major smoker's face, he's sporting some pretty nice muscularity at this stage in his life. Seriously, he's got the six-pack abs, and some major shoulder and back muscles leading down to an impressive, slender waste. While I didn't exactly get a glimpse of his buttocks, I have to imagine that they are smooth and rock hard, enviable for all men over 50. When properly oiled, his surfer body is the sort of thing to make humans of all genders and sexual preferences swoon. I wonder whether his is a body made by steroids, or HGH, or just the toned, shaped, visually delicious yet functional results of a man who works hard and cares about himself. I wonder why he would do all this work on those fabulous muscles and still smoke cigarettes, a habit that destroys him little by little with every puff, like mold on a fine art painting. I wonder what he drinks in the morning, whether it's a protein shake full of nutritious supplements, or just a big glass of raw eggs Rocky style. While I'm at it, let's not ignore his hair. I think it's dyed, but not to an extent that makes him look like “old guy trying to look young.” I feel his stylist should be commended. He or she has found the right balance in that dye mix. Topping it all off is a nice pencil mustache, with just enough of a soul patch under his lip to make Frank Zappa proud. All in all, I can see why Charlize Theron is dating Sean Penn. He is, indeed, a catch, even if he tastes and smells like a stank ashtray. Oh, and I almost forgot. … THIS MOVIE, WITH HIS HUNKY ASS PLAYING AN ASSASSIN TRYING TO MAKE GOOD ON HIS SINS, IS FREAKING TERRIBLE!