F-bombs and other words
It was about a month ago when the notorious cakehole of Ann Coulter fired off an “f-bomb” at Demo candidate John Edwards. Her exact quote, delivered at the 5th annual Strom Thurmond Memorial Chili Cook-off in Duckburg, S.C.: “I was going to have a few comments on the other Democratic candidate, John Edwards, but it turns out that you have to go to rehab if you use the word ‘faggot,’ so I’m kind of at an impasse, so I think I’ll just conclude here and take your questions.”
Obviously, at that point, the ball was in Edwards’ court. His response was, unfortunately, the following: “Ann Coulter’s use of an anti-gay slur yesterday was un-American and indefensible. In America, we strive for equality and embrace diversity. The kind of hateful language she used has no place in our political debate or our society at large.”
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We all know that stuff, John. So why resort to such a retort—one that’s predictable, bland and horribly generic? I mean, if Edwards had stepped up, cut loose and barked back something short, sharp and simple, like, “You know, I could care less about what that scheming, skanky daughter of darkness says about me,” man, he could very well have wrapped up my vote in November ’08 right then and there. Or he could have gone with: “In response to Ms. Coulter’s ugly little remark, I’d like to dip into the Dan Aykroyd archive for a minute, and say simply, “Ann, you ignorant slut. That’s my official response, case closed, thanks for coming, and vote for me whenever you can.”
Opportunity missed! John, get some smarter alecks on your staff for situations like this.
Which leads to my main point. See in that previous paragraph where I had Edwards say, “I could care less about …”? Think about that. It’s just so wrong. Right? Or did you even notice? It’s a bad habit I’ve fallen into lately, and maybe you have, too. The proper phrase is “I could NOT care less.” You gotta get that “not” in there, and I keep catching myself dropping that very key word. What? I’m too tired to say a three-letter, one-syllable word? Very sloppy. Because if you say, “I could care less” about something, you’re saying that if you sat down and tried real hard, you could indeed care less about whatever it is to which you refer. That means, therefore, you must care, even just a little bit, about the subject at hand. But that’s not what you’re trying to say, is it? In the Edwards example, I’m trying to have him express, in essence, that if you sat him down and offered him a thousand dollars if he could just find some way to squinch up his face, furrow his brow and care less about this Ann person, it would be impossible for him to do so because he’s already standing at the absolute bottom of the Pit of Caring, and it’s utterly beyond him to get even one millimeter lower. Hence, for him to properly make that point, he has to say “I could NOT care less.”
He also needs to say, and fairly soon, “You know, I saw Ann Coulter’s mother swimming after some troop ships recently …”