A Thanksgiving truce

Is Thanksgiving bringing up all the feels? In the Age of Trump, our annual celebration of a ceasefire and shared meal between Native Americans and Pilgrims seems fraught with danger. How do we keep family members with opposing political perspectives away from conversations that devolve into a hot mess?

From elementary school onward, we’re taught that Native people and Pilgrims stopped fighting and broke bread together. But we’re never told how they managed their truce, or how we ourselves might. Sacramento artist Gale Hart, 61, and her 60-year-old brother, retiree Robert Hart, have one answer.

Earlier this year the pair engaged in a two-week experiment in which Gale, who describes herself as “farther left than liberal” and Robert, who says he’s “middle right,” agreed to only consume news sources the other prefers. The result astonished them both.

The new normal

Neither Gale nor Robert recalls what political issue they were arguing about before their experiment began. But each had a visceral response when asked to remember how they felt upon parting that day.

“It got so uncomfortable that my blood was boiling,” Gale says. “I thought: ’There has to be another way.’”

“We don’t usually get into a heated debate,” Robert says, “but that time when we parted, I was thinking: ’What’s wrong with her?’ And I knew she must have been thinking, ’What’s wrong with him?’”

A flurry of contentious emails followed. “In the emails we were each trying to get the other to change,” Gale says. “My brother believed Trump was the right guy because he wasn’t from Washington, D.C., and he was a businessman. I kept arguing that Trump had no morals or scruples and shouldn’t be leader of the free world.”

The siblings, who grew up in Fair Oaks, share a deep affection and respect for one another. Neither wanted their divergent political views to spark estrangement. Gale says she decided that being right wasn’t worth losing her brother’s friendship.

“It didn’t feel good to be at odds with my brother when we had never been before in any other political climate. I also noticed I was getting on the liberal bandwagon against Republicans by putting them all in one category.”

She pitched the media swap to Robert to restore harmony.

“It’s a gesture of listening, and he deserves to be heard on his beliefs as much as I do,” she says.

Concerned about a lack of civility that’s quickly become our nation’s new normal, Robert agreed. “Conversations about politics have basically become a blood sport all the way from Washington down to the Thanksgiving dinner table. There’s a lot of hatred out there, and I’ve heard stories of people going to their family dinner and getting into arguments and leaving. Or not showing up for Thanksgiving dinner because they don’t want to get into conflict.”

But Gale secretly hoped the experiment would push Robert to embrace her liberal views. “How could it not?” she thought to herself.

A brave new world

“I asked her what radio and TV stations she listened to and she says BBC, CNN and NPR,” Robert says.

“I asked him what he listens to and he says—’Fox, Fox and more Fox,’” Robert says, laughing.

“He didn’t give me a lot of options because all he listens to is Fox. So I also listened to conservative radio. As long as I didn’t get brainwashed it’s okay, right?” She laughs.

“Not washed,” Robert jokes, “realigned.”

“I know he’s not crazy, but I thought some of the things he listened to were crazy.”

In addition to swapping trusted news sources, the pair agreed to use Politico for fact-checking. Four days into the experiment, Gale realized she held assumptions about conservative media.

“Fox isn’t as bad as I thought it would be,” Gale says. “I had never watched it before. I believed it to be angry opinions of the left. But there is actual news and there are counter-opinions by liberal commentators.”

Robert mostly watched CNN. “I was on training wheels. But I didn’t find CNN to be painful.” He laughs, and Gale joins in. Their shared delight is apparent.

Seconds later, Gale turns serious. “I was thinking I would like to accomplish something out of this: to listen better and not get riled up. I want to bond with people I don’t agree with. When I reach that, I will have met my goal,” she says.

Love > politics

The writer Annie Dillard once wrote, “How we spend our time is, of course, how we spend our lives.” For Gale, the media swap experiment yielded an unexpected insight.

“I’ve learned I watch way too much news,” she says. “When I listen to what I believe it stirs me up and gets me righteous or excited or maybe even indignant. The news is kinda like a drug for me.”

Robert had noticed this about his sister previously but didn’t think she was ready to hear it. “She’s told me before about all of these websites she visits and I’m thinking, ’who has time for all of that?’”

The experiment also confirmed his feeling that most of us perpetuate a wrong-headed approach to political convos. “I don’t think that having heated conversations over politics is going to change anyone’s mind. It’s only going to infuriate the person that’s trying to change the other person’s mind. People just let politics consume their lives. When, if you stop and think about it realistically, the only power you have to make any change is to vote or write to your representative.”

Gale says that her confidence in ideas about identity were shaken to the core. “I realized that people are not their beliefs. Beliefs are fluid. Beliefs change. Am I a vegan? No, I eat vegan food. Am I a liberal? No, I vote liberal. That’s not what’s important. What’s important is how people show up in our lives. My Republican friends, including my brother, would do anything for me at the drop of a hat.”

She says the experiment also altered the way that she frames conversations with the Republicans in her life. “Now, I’ll say: At the time you voted you probably thought (insert controversial topic here) was a good idea, right? That way the person doesn’t feel like they’re wrong. I try to be on his side, not on his belief’s side. We all make choices based on what we knew at the time. Give people room to figure it out for themselves.”

Psychologist M. Scott Peck’s definition of love fits well here: “Love is a willingness to extend oneself for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth. The Hart siblings stretched beyond their comfort zones to grow into a deeper appreciation for each other.

“It’s easier to be a hater these days, harder to love the other person, especially if they’re not a party affiliate of yours,” Robert says. “I don’t think I made a mistake in voting for Trump but I do think he should stay off Twitter and that he has moral problems.”

Gale smiles. “Extreme right or left people don’t want to meet halfway. I look at my brother now and he’s not my enemy. He’s my brother and I love him.”