You might be a liberal

In my quest to understand the mentality of liberals (and the temporarily insane moderates who occasionally vote with them), here is a small list of what I imagine liberals have to delude themselves into believing.

(With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy and his “You might be a redneck” schtick.)

You might be a liberal, if …

• You believe that 16 violations of United Nation’s Resolutions over the course of a decade means “we never gave peace a chance.”

• You believe that after 40 years of deficit-spending by Democrats, only “now” should Congress and the government finally become fiscally responsible.

• You excoriated the Bush tax cut but didn’t return your portion of it.

• You believe the best way to “support the troops, but not the mission” is to protest outside an Army medical hospital filled with wounded and recovering soldiers and sailors.

• You believe those who chain themselves to trees, nuclear power plants and the local KFC are righteous activists, but anyone outside an abortion clinic is a religious zealot “interfering” with a legitimate activity.

• When our fair-weather “allies” have vested economic interests that support our enemies, you believe we should still care about what they think and want.

• You believe the failures after hurricane Katrina were the president’s fault, not a perfect example of what to expect when an over-bloated government bureaucracy is in charge of anything.

• You believe that immediately before birth, “it’s” a fetus with no rights, and immediately after, “it’s” a person with constitutional rights.

• The government should legalize all drugs regardless of their obvious potential for abuse, and at the same time should criminalize all guns because of their obvious potential for abuse.

• You believe that “moral authority” allows you to call the leader of the free world a “warmonger” and “filth spewer” but still act disappointed that he doesn’t meet with you.

• You believe the poor and downtrodden should be taken care of, but Hurricane Katrina was the last time you donated blood since 9/11.

• You demonize “Big Tobacco” and its “dangerous products” but believe marijuana should be legal.

• You believe that even though the top 50 percent of taxpayers pay 94 percent of all income taxes in the country, the wealthy don’t pay their “fair share.”

• You believe that rich people and special interests should not be allowed to contribute truckloads of money to political candidates—which explains your absolute moral outrage over George Soros and during the last election.

• Killing an innocent, disabled woman by starving her to death is good; killing terrorists, convicted murderers, rapists and pedophiles is bad.

• “Supply-side economics” doesn’t really work. “Trickle-down economics” doesn’t really work. However, the “Robin hood theory of economics,” as evidenced by the former Soviet Union, does.

• You believe that “the people,” as mentioned in the First, Fourth, Ninth, and Tenth Amendments to the United States Constitution, means “the people.” Yet when the same document references “the people” in the Second Amendment, well, that means the National Guard—which didn’t show up until created by an act of Congress in 1903.

• And finally, you agree with the following: Women can’t be blamed for the hatred of rapists. A minority group can’t be blamed for the hatred of racists. But the United States is entirely to blame for the hatred of Islamic extremists.

Liberalism makes absolutely perfect sense. Or perhaps it doesn’t.