You might be a liberal, No. 3

Definition of a liberal: Someone so open-minded their brain has fallen out.
—Unknown

Awhile back (Right Hook, Nov. 3, 2005 and Oct. 20, 2005), I compiled some lists of things I think that you must believe to consider yourself a liberal. A former student sent me a similar version titled, “How to be a good Democrat.” (I couldn’t find the original source to quote, but here’s a really good version enhanced by yours truly.) Apologies, too, to Jeff Foxworthy.

If you believe that government creates prosperity, while business only creates oppression—you might be a liberal.

If you believe the ACLU is good because it supports only one part of the Constitution, and that the NRA is bad because it supports only one part of the Constitution—you might be a liberal.

If you believe that the arts and humanities didn’t exist before federal funding—you might be a liberal.

If you believe that the AIDS virus is spread by the lack of federal funding—you might be a liberal.

If you believe that tree-huggers in San Francisco care more about the environment than hunters in Kansas—you might be a liberal.

If you believe that socialism hasn’t worked anywhere because the “right” people haven’t been running the show—you might be a liberal.

If you believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural—you might be a liberal.

If you believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding citizens are more of a threat than nuclear weapons technology in the hands of terrorists or communists—you might be a liberal.

If you believe that Louis Farakhan is a “Man of God” for staging the “Million-Man March” but Mel Gibson is anti-Semitic for spending $25 million of his own money to make The Passion of the Christ—you might be a liberal.

If you support abortion on demand but are against capital punishment—even for despotic dictators—you might be a liberal.

If you believe that Donald Trump is a bigger hypocrite than Rosie O’Donnell—you might be a liberal.

If you believe gasoline prices are too high, but taxes are too low—you might be a liberal.

If you believe global temperatures are more affected by Yuppies driving SUVs than naturally occurring cyclical changes in the Earth’s climate—you might be a liberal.

If you believe that it’s good policy not to negotiate with terrorists, but it’s stupid not to open a dialogue with terror-sponsoring nations—you might be a liberal

If you believe a teacher is qualified to teach sex education when the same teacher isn’t qualified to teach third-graders how to read—you might be a liberal.

If you believe teachers’ unions really give a rip about children—you might be a liberal.

If you believe having self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it—you might be a liberal.

If you believe manger scenes during Christmas should be illegal, but homosexual parades including drag queens and transvestites are constitutionally protected—you might be a liberal.

If you believe Israel is “the problem” in the Middle East—you might be a liberal.

If you believe racial quotas aren’t racist, but standardized tests are—you might be a liberal.

If you believe Starbucks-drinking activists assertions’ that Wal-Mart is unfair to its workers—you might be a liberal.

If you believe President George W. Bush really is a moron, Harvard MBA notwithstanding—you might be a liberal.

If you believe Hillary Clinton is sane—you might be a liberal.

And if you, like Rosie O’Donell, believe non-smoking vegetarians who wear leather coats and shoes aren’t hypocrites—you just might be a liberal.

Which perhaps brings us back to the original assertion.