Many children throughout the United States are taught to create wish lists to manifest their greed during the most sacred Christian time of Christmas. Most of these wishes have little to do with a parent’s actual ability to provide the toy—without losing the roof over said child’s head.
Adults, too, are taught to make unrealistic “wish lists” (a.k.a. New Year’s resolutions) around this time of year. Sure, it’d be great to lose 45 pounds, get our financial affairs in order, and volunteer more of our time, but let’s keep it real. Isn’t it more fun to demand changes in the lives of others?
So, with both our knee-jerk complaint on the hypocrisy of Christmas and our attack on the basic nature of humanity out of the way, here—in no particular order— is our combination Christmas wish list/New Year’s resolutions for others.
TO THE POD PEOPLE: Please return our governor. And if you’ve seen Dean Heller, could you send him our way, too?
TO THE REGIONAL TRANSPORTATION COMMISSION: Please resolve to synchronize the traffic lights, make some of the four-way stops four-way yields, and examine the utility of every single stop sign in this city.
TO THE RENO CITY COUNCIL: Please resolve to come up with a workable plan for snow removal and maintenance that allows seniors, the physically challenged, and the average person to use our streets after a medium to large snowfall.
TO THAT ONE GUY ON LAKE STREET: Please resolve to stop speeding and texting.
TO THE U.S. CONGRESS: Please resolve to pass a health-care reform law that includes a robust public option. While you’re at it, please resolve to pass meaningful immigration reform, Social Security reform, simplify the tax laws, stop global warming, stop lying, stop having illicit sexual affairs, stop promoting U.S. hatred around the world, end the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, stop taking money from lobbyists, close Guantanamo Bay, reenact Glass-Steagall, legalize gay marriage, legalize and regulate marijuana use, pass an education stimulus package for children, pass an equal pay law … hold on, we’ll come up with some more stuff by Jan. 2.
TO THE BURNERS: Please resolve to shut up about your theme camp until one month before Burning Man. Or better yet, please resolve to create art 360 days a year in the default world.
TO THE RENO GAZETTE-JOURNAL: Please resolve to survive this downturn as a seven-days-a-week daily newspaper by improving quality. This will include hiring back some of the reporters you put on the street and increasing the local news hole by eliminating Associated Press stories we’ve already read on the web.
TO PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA: Please resolve to walk it like you talk it.
TO JIM CARREY, ADAM SANDLER, EDDIE MURPHY: Please resolve to be funny again.
TO THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY: Please resolve to close down your offices on Wall Street.
TO THE REPUBLICAN PARTY: Please resolve to ask Joe Lieberman to stop being a little bitch. And please resolve to come up with some ideas to make your party a viable alternative to these idiot Democrats on the Hill.
TO THE READERS OF THE RENO NEWS & REVIEW: Please resolve to be healthy, happy and sane for all 365 days of 2010, and please resolve to pick up our little newsweekly every week. Happy New Year!