Why not Nevada

—EDAWN news release Monday

Today I’m pitching in to help out the Economic Development Authority of Western Nevada’s new “Why Nevada” campaign.

If you haven’t heard of it, the campaign is an attempt to lure new businesses to the Truckee Meadows by offering them Hot August Nights keychains, free drink tokens and comp meals at the Atlantis. Or something.

Actually the idea seems to have some surface niftiness. Gambling isn’t going to keep Nevada’s schoolchildren in washable markers much longer. So we need to get on track with new ventures.

And, as we all know from our swelling stock investments, technology companies are riding high. In fact, the proposed Copper Canyon Commerce & Technology Park was designed with the tech boom in mind. A physical model of the development—as it would appear with full build-out in 2013—is on display in the planning lobby of Sparks City Works on Prater Way.

So here’s the pitch to Californians. Why Nevada? The following reasons are delineated in the EDAWN press release and fleshed out by, well, me.

Reasonable cost of doing business. Heck, it’s more than reasonable. We’ll practically pay you to do business in Nevada. Taxes? Hah! Fees? Yeah, right. We don’t need them, because we have tons of cashola littering the desert. Our citizenry doesn’t even mind if you set up shop, pay minimum wage and don’t insure your workers. We need you here. Please? Pretty please? We’ll give you land. We’ll give you water. Honest.

Business-friendly government. See above.

15-minute commute times. We’ll build more roads if you come, really. We want all of you here, driving to work in your flocks of SUVs. We’ll even throw in a complimentary Nevada-style shotgun for dealing with unpleasant traffic stressors. Need more than one firearm? Wait ’til you see what we’ve done with the waiting period for gun buyers!

Quality employees. We’ll give you the best we’ve got. The smartest students—out of the dozen or so that stay in the state—are all yours. We Nevadans make sure that people of inferior intellect end up destitute or incarcerated. They won’t trouble you. If they get extra-fractious, we’ll make sure they land on death row. As we speak, the city of Reno is talking about hiring six new police officers to deal with bad stupid people.

A great quality of life. Yes, unless you care about your kids’ schools or the environment, life is great here in Reno. Unless you’re worried about the homeless problem, the teen pregnancy rate, the high number of high-school dropouts, alcoholism, suicide rates or drug abuse, you will enjoy the carefree atmosphere of the Truckee Meadows. And best of all, thanks to the mighty power of tobacco lobbyists, you can smoke cigarettes almost anywhere! So light up and head over the Sierra today.