Weed for the week

I’ve used pot less than a handful of times over the past few years. But starting tonight, I’ll be getting high every evening for the next seven days. What a job!

You’ve heard the claims: Pot will melt away stress. Pot will tuck you into bed for eternal slumber. Four out of five doctors prefer pot over alcohol as a coping mechanism for your crummy job (perhaps true; there was a recent New York Times feature on this).

Maybe I need more pot in my life?

There are, however, hundreds upon hundreds of different marijuana strains. You know, with the disconcerting names like Green Crack. And each strain leaves you feeling a different way.

With a nod to writer Roberto Jamon of Willamette Week—he’s a self-described “weed hater” who did a story up in Portland about smoking different strains for a week to see if he would hop on the state’s legal-pot bandwagon—I too obtained a physician referral, bought some pot, packed bowls into an Iolite vaporizer and got high for seven straight days. Would I learn to love weed? Or would I just get fired from my job?

Day one, Girl Scout Cookies: This strain is an indica-dominant hybrid and is supposed to relieve stress with its intense euphoria. Its impact is sudden. I’m overtaken by the idea of doing laundry. And then, I actually get up off the couch and start a load.

The danger of this strain is that it’s one of those pot highs that makes you think you’re hilarious—but you’re probably just pissing your girlfriend off while she’s trying to watch Modern Family reruns. Upside: It makes brushing and flossing your teeth amazing.

I think about how it’s inappropriate to name marijuana Girl Scout Cookies. It’s like calling a cigarette Sesame Street.

The next morning, I can’t recall what happened the night before. This is the weed for you if you want to forget an unseemly hook-up.

Day two, Blue Dream: This sativa-dominant hybrid is, according to Leafly.com, supposed to proffer “gentle cerebral invigoration.” Leafly.com is full of crap.

Almost immediately upon vaporizing, a dryness overtakes the eyes, which feel as if they’re wobbling inside their sockets. I start obsessing over my heart rate. Sitting on the couch in hopes of relaxing only leads to more racy emotions. I’m going to die death by cerebral overload. It’s like my mind is watching every David Lynch film at once.

Day Three, OG Kush: After last night’s anxiety meltdown, I’m nervous about another bad experience. This strain delivers, though, and the high is similar to Girl Scout Cookies. I’m once again the funniest man in Sacramento. My girlfriend insists that I crack wise in the kitchen while doing dishes. The sink water is is warm like Hawaiian tides. I never want this dishwashing to end.

Day Four, Thin Mints: All sorts of lethargy kicks in with Thin Mints. I watch that Vince Vaughn movie The Internship and actually like it. On TV news, there’s a bear stuck in a tree in the city of Tracy. The bear eventually tumbles from the branches, falling several feet before landing on a blanket held by firefighters. Onlookers shriek. KCRA shows this clip over-and-over. I’m too lazy to reach for the remote to change the channel. When I finally grab the remote, I rewind the news telecast to watch the bear fall again. I can’t stop!

This entire time, my entire body feels like it’s atop one of those foot massagers at the State Fair. I wake up on the couch at 5:30 a.m. and feel uh-mazing.

Day Five, Charlotte’s Web: This strain is packed with CBDs, which supposedly help with pain relief. But you hardly feel a head change. I’ve gotten more high from a poppy seed muffin.

Day Six, Sour Diesel: Had to take the dog for a walk after a bowl of this sativa strain. The mind was too racy to simply loaf around the apartment. I come up with the idea of starting a local business that installs smartphone chargers at restaurants and bars. I’m going to be a millionaire. And, if I had a million dollars, I’d give it all to you to make this insane high end. Too. Much.

Day Seven, Grandaddy Purps: Like the Thin Mints, the so-called GDP is a couch-lock medicine that leaves a sweet taste in the mouth. Or maybe that’s the pint of ice cream I just finished off.

What did I learn from this week? As a career guy pushing 40, indica cannabis better suits by my desire to chill after work. Indica strains were phenomenal for relaxation—too powerful, even. Sativas are for those of you painting murals or deejaying EDM music.

Will I keep using medical pot? Probably not. Stoners get have a bad reputation for being lazy, but getting high every day was a commitment. I’m already working full-time, and while getting stoned didn’t impact my job, it’s pretty hard to carve out time to do absolutely nothing every day. Had no idea pot was so much damned work.