Water conservation takes a whiz

The latest drought news is disturbing. Recent updates show 13 states dealing with moderate drought, 11 states with severe drought, 15 states with extreme drought, six states now listed as “baked” and five states now in the “terminally parched” zone. Dan Rather is ready to describe the West as “drier than a country whore,” as soon as that line gets the OK from upstairs. Farmers in Iowa are reportedly watering houseplants with the contents of their spittoons. Surfers in California have been asked to use ocean water in their bongs. All in all, things are looking bleak.

With the news of El Niño brewing in the Pacific, however, the outlook for rain this winter in Southern California, Las Vegas, Phoenix and Albuquerque is promising. Forecasters say the chances are very good those areas will each get at least an inch to an inch and a half of rain between November and April, and that news has encouraged various boards, councils and commissions to approve 27 new golf courses and 12 gated lakeshore communities in Vegas alone.

But what about us? We live on a line of latitude that’s a toss-up when it comes to El Nino, The Great Boy of Wetness. We could get soaked, or we could get joked. It could go either way. If we have a dry winter, authorities say there’s a very good chance that by July 2003, the water that comes out of taps in Galena, Stead and Spanish Springs will be replaced by a strange sort of gurgling quasi-smog.

So let’s not mess around. It’s time to get some tough new water conservation laws passed in Washoe County.

The Frivolous Laundry Ban: This law would require all individuals to refrain from washing their clothes until they get down to their last pair of underwear. It’s estimated that the water savings, even if only practiced by 40 percent of the population, would allow for the planning and building of five to six more medium-priced subdivisions.

The Mandatory Man Whiz Law: All males would be ordered to take their leaks in their backyards, provided they have fences to allow for privacy. Apartment dwellers would be exempted. Young boys would be encouraged to hang with the older men folk and experience the powerful bonds that are created when males get together for a nice, friendly pee. Experiences in sword fighting, name writing, erosion derbies and territory marking could be significant and positive. The water savings with this law, if only practiced by half of the males in the Truckee Meadows, would be incalculable.

The Bring On Da Funk European Shower Program: With this advisory, citizens would be encouraged to shower every other day, resulting in still more water savings. Sociologists insist that the fear of body funk, or Muskophobia, is extremely exaggerated among the populace, and that most folks would easily adjust to all but the most extreme cases of aromatic weirdness.