Ultimately lame

We all, sooner or later, experience somber moments of reflection contemplating the mysteries of the cosmos, moments when we take the time to dwell on the Big Questions. Many of these are powerful, simple and eternal: Is there a God at the core of a spiritual universe? Does my life have any real meaning on this chaotic planet? Is there a way of life more fulfilling than the one I now lead? And eventually, the inquisitive modern man must ask himself, “What am I to make, exactly, of Ultimate Cage Fighting?”

If you read the daily fish wrap, you couldn’t help but notice that last week, Ultimate Cage Fights were held at the Silver Legacy. This event was heavily promoted with a full-page ad that featured a photo of one Ultimate Fighter perched atop his opponent, his right fist poised to jackhammer the poor slob on the mat with a blow that would soon present numerous challenges to the victim’s ability to recover from severe dermal and skeletal traumas.

After seeing this photo every day for about a month, I couldn’t help but wonder, in a quasi-monk-like reverie of meditation, how long it might be before human beings reach a higher level of collective consciousness, one where such bloodthirsty barbarianism will fade away and then completely disappear, our species finally maturing to a point where it has no desire whatsoever to be “entertained” by the sight of hulking, violent men pummeling each other into various states of pastrami. Fifty years? One hundred years? One thousand years? Ever?

I then wondered if, under the rules of Ultimate Cage Fighting, one competitor could legally jam his knee into his opponent’s gonads. Perhaps you have, too. If so, here are some of the rules to which Cage Fighters must adhere, rules that suggest these battles aren’t as “ultimate” as one may have been led to believe.

No, you may not smash your opponent’s nads into a state of reproductive uselessness. In fact, one must treat the opponent’s marbles with honor and respect. No, you may not bite anything that is demonstrably a part of your opponent’s body. No eye gouging is allowed, which must be a disappointment to fans who would cherish the sight of an eyeball lolling about on a cheekbone or mat. No hair pulling is allowed, leaving that department to Ultimate Cat Fighters.

Sorry, but all orifices are off limits to attack, and it’s unfortunate, really, that there has to be a specific rule for pokers and probers. The cage fighter is not allowed to scream profanities at his opponent, a rule that seems to unnecessarily hamper the fighter’s ability to entertain the audience at crucial times during the match. Competitors are not allowed to hurl wads of spit at their opponents, which also seems ridiculously puritanical, and jumping up and down on a prostrate opponent is now, sadly, illegal. As for busting a chair over a guy’s head, well, don’t even think about it.

Sounds like the gods of wrestling don’t have a whole lot to worry about.