Twas the night before freedom

In keeping with my annual tradition, here’s another “un-politically correct” version of a holiday classic.

Twas the night before Christmas, and Santa was upset because he and his lawyers all had just met. Regulations and lawsuits and the politically correct, all were making him just a terrible wreck.

His factory was now a union token; follow their rules lest something get broken. No longer “short” or just “elves,” “vertically challenged” they called themselves. With mandatory overtime and what not, who cared if the bottom line was shot?

And labor conditions were unfair, you see? Because opportunities were rare, you see? But away from the Pole they wanted to be, somewhere warm and sunny and by the sea.

And gone missing on this day so clear, set free by Greenpeace were five reindeer. And protesters cheered with all their might, never considering his property right.

O.S.H.A. claimed his pipe a threat, which caused his workers to whine and fret. The suits they filed numbered two; since P.E.T.A. filed over his fur coat, too.

And the E.E.O.C. got on his case, not enough elves of a particular race.

Then in came the E.P.A with something to say. They took the runners off of his sleigh. Just more fees and dollars you see, til then, they’re banned as “environment unfriendly.”

And the F.A.A. got in his way. Didn’t care how the runners were made, only that flight fees were paid.

Next the circus lawyers came to town, bringing along a media clown. Rudolph filed suit for the use of his snoot. And if that weren’t enough of a kick in the pants, Prancer and Dancer had a few other rants. Because same-gender reindeer and their partners, too, deserve equal benefits for what they do.

And if that didn’t really frost his core, the Mrs. had joined “Co-Dependant No More.” With Prozac in one hand, and the door in the other, “I’m a feminist,” she exclaimed, “not a wife or a mother!”

And his gifts that always brought such joys, who’d have imagined such issues with toys? They can’t be frilly. They can’t make noise. There can’t be toys for just girls or boys. Dolls were sexist, the feminists said. Game Boys are something that can’t be read. No more fairy tales or happily-ever-afters, unless they included some same-gendered chapters.

A gift is a gift without string or a fee, and when it’s given unconditionally? And that’s when Santa saw the light—apparently some think a gift is a right.

“Forget this mess; I can do more with less!” So he closed the Pole and fired the elves, let the unions shoulder the blame themselves. He sent production over the seas to make his toys in foreign factories. Instead of being spiteful or hateful, people should learn to be more grateful. Take some lessons from historical lore, see what can happen when you demand more?

Bermuda and Barbados and the Bahamas won. When Democrats close that loophole, he’ll find a new one. And it’s Santa who’s somewhere warm by the sea—where the drinks are cold, and the beach bunnies are free.

My tale is almost done, and Santa has won. No more headaches or enormous fees, no more taxes or bureaucracies. But do not fear, and do not tear. Christmas will come this year—because Santa brought in a team of Scab reindeer.

And on that note, may I wish you a Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and a Happy New Year!