Truckee Meadows Water Authority says flooding unlikely if demands are met
WINGFIELD PARK, RENO—Speaking to reporters from the brimming banks of the Truckee River in downtown Reno today, representatives from the Truckee Meadows Water Authority confirmed that spring flooding will be unlikely, as long as the agency’s demands are met in a timely fashion.
“We at TMWA would like to announce that concerned Reno citizens who have been watching river levels rise over this past month have nothing to worry about—as long as they’re ready to pony up some cash,” said Malcolm MacDowell, natural resource manager for the agency.
Record-breaking snow levels blanketed the Sierra this winter, and the prospect of a spring thaw coupled with heavy rain at lower elevations has had Reno residents wary of rising water levels, as similar conditions prompted the Truckee’s last flood in 2017, which cost state and local governments millions in damages.
“While this spring bears many of the hallmarks of previous flooding seasons,” said MacDowell, gesturing to the swiftly coursing body of water behind him that looked primed to surge past its banks at any moment, “We at TMWA learned a great deal from the 2017 flood, and have updated our water-containment strategies, and ransom demands, accordingly.”
Adding that the agency’s team of dedicated civil engineers and surveyors was standing by day and night to collect an initial payment of 15 million dollars in unmarked, non-sequential bills, MacDowell stressed that TMWA was committed to protecting Reno’s people and property, if they provide a fully-fueled G6 jetliner ready to depart Reno-Tahoe International airport for Mexico at midnight.
MacDowell stated that, while early flooding indications imply that water levels will crest earlier this year, his department especially was taking no risks.
“We are optimistic that flooding will be contained to the Truckee’s natural flood plains as the weather warms,” MacDowell stated, speaking directly into the lens of a local TV news camera. “But TMWA’s Flood Gate Operations staff stands ready to act at the first sign that someone is trying to screw us here.”
At press time, MacDowell was assuring local city officials that if they didn’t transfer the desired amount to his off-shore bank account within the next 12 hours, he was prepared to “wash this whole motherfucking town away.”