Touched by an angel

From the office of my urologist, here’s a heart-warming allopathic holiday saga:

“OK, Bruce, time for you to grab some table,” said the doctor as he pulled out his trusty tube of K-Y. I did as I was told without anxiety, since Doc was an old hand, so to speak, in the realm of prostatial probing. “Hmmm,” he said, after a few seconds of rockin’ my juicy little friend. “Feels a little boggy.” Boggy? Not exactly the adjective one wants to hear in that situation. “Here’s the Kleenex,” he said. “I’ll be back in a minute, and we’ll chat.” He quickly returned and explained. “The healthy prostate should feel like the tip of your nose—firm, but elastic. Cartilaginous, to use a six-syllable word. If a prostate feels hard, like your forehead, that’s not good. Could be cancer. Your prostate, Bruce, feels more like the middle of your cheek, which is a bit too soft. Boggy, in other words.”

Well. There’s a death sentence if I’ve ever heard one. But before I could ask how much time I have left, he continued. “It’s probably a mild case of prostatitis. Nonbacterial prostatitis. Not too big of a deal. Here’s what I want you to do.”

Now, there are plenty of “itis-es” in this world, and most of them are not good. You’ve got your bronchitis and your colitis and your meningitis and your phlebitis and your arthritis, to name a few, and all are unwelcome at all times. Prostatitis, I was to quickly discover, inflicts upon its victim a far lower level of menace. “First, I want you to drink more water,” said the doc. OK, not a problem. “Second, I want you to soak in your hot tub at least once a day. Twice is better. I just want you in that hot water, which is helpful in terms of muscular relaxation.” Well, gee, doc, OK, if you absolutely insist. I suppose I can suck it up and soak a couple of times a day. “Third, I want you to ejaculate more. This will help clear out the ducts surrounding the gland.” Jackpot!

“Doc,” I said, feeling as if I had just drawn one card to an inside straight flush, “do you realize you’ve just delivered the most pleasant, the most do-able, the most easily followed health regimen in the history of modern medicine?” He smiled knowingly, having heard the exact same response from every nonbacterial prostatitis patient he’s ever had. “Just make sure you don’t slack off, especially with step three,” he said straight-faced but with tongue pressing convexly against cheek. “And Merry Christmas.”

And so concluded what turned out to be a most jolly visit to my urologist. May your days be merry and bright, and may all your holiday itises be cured by white-hot super sex.