Too bloody confusing

The sequel to Edward Scissorhands<i> was sure to be a box-office smash, but somehow Courteney Cox-Arquette couldn’t quite make </i>Edwina Pliersfeet<i> come to life.</i>

The sequel to Edward Scissorhands was sure to be a box-office smash, but somehow Courteney Cox-Arquette couldn’t quite make Edwina Pliersfeet come to life.

Rated 2.0

The first Underworld was tedious. The sequel, Underworld: Evolution, is actually a little more exciting but far more confusing. This is one of the more maddening franchises going right now because so much potential is being wasted by director Len Wiseman, who can’t seem to get the formula right.

The film wasn’t screened for critics, which is a surprise considering that it’s not all that bad. The lighting crew and makeup department worked overtime to create something that looks decent. If you are a gore hound, then Underworld: Evolution should satisfy your need to see aortic sprays, bottom-jaw removals and disembowelments. This is actually one of the more violent films to come down the pike in quite some time, Hostel included.

Kate Beckinsale returns as the morose and bored Selene, a “death dealer” vampire in a long war to rid the planet of werewolves called “Lycans.” Beckinsale looks the part and, once again, looks totally fabulous in her tight black outfit. Yet, she has zero charisma as an action heroine. True, the role of a vampire should be somewhat somber, but Beckinsale makes it a total drag. Bill Nighy, whose character Viktor was beheaded in the first film but makes a brief Evolution appearance in flashback, has 10 times the excitement of Beckinsale as a bloodsucker. A vampire shouldn’t equal party-time potential, but nowhere is it written that a nosferatu should be a terminal bore.

Also returning is Scott Speedman (TV’s Felicity) as Michael, the dreaded Vampire-Lycan hybrid who gets to show off his pecs for most of the film’s running time. The script keeps stating that Michael is one-of-a-kind and that he will have unbelievable powers. As it turns out, Michael’s only superpower seems to be wrestling smackdowns, which he constantly loses. The dude is always dying, getting impaled, shot and shredded.

Good luck following the ridiculous plot turns and twists. Given that the script isn’t impossible to decipher, Evolution makes one work way too hard in putting the pieces together. Lots of vampire and werewolf lore is further confused by the fact that many of the characters look and sound the same. You might want to take along a notepad to keep track of who is who’s brother and which guy is the “father of all vampires” and whatnot. Prepare to be infuriated.

As far as I could gather, a flashback reveals that an out-of-control Lycan was banished for eternity by Viktor, and his vampire brother Marcus has been stewing for centuries in his coven, ready to exact revenge. When Marcus (played by Tony Curran) is inadvertently awakened by some blood seeping into his sleep lair, he immediately takes to killing everybody in a quest to find his brother’s eternal prison and set him free.

Major props go out to those who designed Marcus, a rather nifty vampire creation. Raised from his slumber, Marcus is especially nasty when taking a bat-like form; a gray, muscular creation with wings that stab its prey. While the werewolves in the film are routine, Marcus the flying vampire is an interesting addition to cinematic vampire characters. Actually, a movie called Marcus the Crazy-Assed Flying Vampire with just one character swooping around and wreaking havoc could’ve been far more captivating.

As with the first film, the actors still haven’t mastered the art of delivering lines through large prosthetic teeth. Before the Underworld franchise comes to an end, it’s likely that a new cinematic world profession will be created, that of the Spit Wiper. That’ll be the person running around with rags, toweling off the actors after a toothy vampire has delivered a lively, frothy monologue.

A good opening weekend for this one means that chapter three is probably on the way. Should the screenwriters choose to calm down and streamline the story, so it’s at least comprehensible, there might be hope for this franchise. As it stands, the whole affair is rather anemic.