The Weekly World Reno News & Review
We make news so you won’t have to. April Fools’ Day content.
A brave new world
Psychic makes 2012 predictions
by Kevyn Cocles
Internationally famed psychic Madame Marie Bovary, channeling an alien spirit from the planet Matslan, says Dec. 21, 2012, the last date on the Mayan calendar, will bring a new Earth, a new way of thinking, and a new reality.
“Esteban [the alien whose last name is both unspellable and unpronounceable] tells me the world will be completely different than it is today,” said the 69-year-old sensitive. “He tells me the changes will be both good and bad, but in order for the human race to prepare itself for our new reality, we must know what those changes will be.”
Bovary said Esteban, in 1978, mentally inspired her to write down a list of the biggest changes the world can expect, which the Weekly World News & Review presents here:
The world will be at war as primarily Christian nations attack without provocation primarily Muslim nations in the Middle East.
In a stunning role reversal, daily newspapers will become less relevant and less solvent as new technologies—like handheld telephones and a worldwide network of computational machines become more popular.
Climate will continue to change throughout the planet, eventually creating a pair of new temperate zones, enormous ocean rises, and new deserts in the Earth’s equatorial belt.
On the African continent there will be widespread hunger and drought. Leaders on the other continents will decry the natural disasters, calling for other countries to help while claiming “prior commitments” for their own part.
Certain states in the United States will have record-setting unemployment and home foreclosures after massive graft, irresponsibility and greed on the parts of financial institutions and government officials caused the economy to collapse.
Political leaders from around the world will be embroiled in sex scandals as the Age of Aquarius causes powerful people to have sex with people other than their apparent spouses. Many of these trysts will involve other married people, people of vastly different ages, and people of the same sex.
Due to the illegalization of certain substances, otherwise nonviolent and law-abiding people will become criminals.
There will be a wave of unprosecuted murders in the border area of the United States and Mexico. Lawlessness and anarchy will rule after December 2012.
Earthquakes and tsunamis will hit both the richest and poorest and most average parts of the world, with religious leaders claiming these disasters are God’s punishments for homosexuality, immorality, lack of tithing and rock ’n’ roll.
Into the wild
Actual pack of wolves prowls UNR
by Mac lupus
A hungry, vicious pack of gray wolves have been seen prowling the desolate post-apocalyptic wasteland formerly known as the University of Nevada, Reno. The wolves are to be considered very dangerous, and students and other passersby are advised to keep a safe distance. Many wildlife experts define a safe distance as a transfer to a university in another state.
The wolves generally attack by surprise, causing a commotion to separate smaller and weaker faculty members, like French professors and members of the marching band, from the larger schools. The wolves will then attack the isolated student or faculty member and rip them to shreds. The wolves only eat some of the meat, and leave a trail of blood and gore.
The alpha male of the pack appears to be a wolf that researchers have named “Milt.” He can easily be recognized by his narrow, weasely face and distinctive protruding ears.
“Milt is definitely the leader of the pack,” said one university biologist, speaking under condition of anonymity. “He’s ferocious. There’s definitely an atmosphere of fear around here. Any of us could go at any time. It’s like a horror movie. We’re all just wondering, ‘Who’s next?’”
The Wolf Pack is the team name of UNR’s athletic squads. Members of these squads are usually the only students safe from attacks by the actual wolves, but even the historic, so-called “jock immunity” has recently offered no protection. The wolves are attacking everyone.
“I’m not sure how they got here or where they came from,” said the biologist, “but they’re here; they’re hungry; and they don’t appear to be leaving anytime soon. I don’t know why they came here in the first place. Maybe they could just smell the blood.”
Wolves aren’t the only carnivorous animals that have been seen around UNR as of late. Buzzards, vultures, hyenas and other carrion-eaters have been seen scrounging around the campus nibbling from the various carcasses left in the horrible wake of the wolves.
In addition, a Road Warrior-style, leather-clad, marauding mutant biker gang has been terrorizing the campus for the last several years. The gang first drew headlines in 2005 for using liberal arts professors as “human shields” during gunfights. The gang members call themselves The Gibbons.
“We, The Gibbons of Northern Nevada, are so named because of our affinity with the nimble apes of Southeast Asia,” said Snaggle Bear, a representative of the motorcycle club. “We’re all a bunch of swinging guys.”
The Gibbons are a family of small apes found in the rainforests of South Asia and Indonesia. They’re tree dwellers known for their agility in swinging from the branches of trees. The Gibbons of Northern Nevada are “swinging guys” in the sense that they’re sexually promiscuous.
When asked to comment on the pack of wolves currently running wild at UNR, Snaggle Bear replied, “Well, I really respect the work they’ve been doing. But I hope everyone remembers that we’ve been cutting the fat and trimming the waste out of the university, for, like five years now. Nobody’s more responsible for the shape of the university, and education in general in this state, than us Gibbons.”
Foodies save to eat at Scrimp
The town foodies were out in force on Saturday night for the grand opening of Scrimp, an Appalachia/Gastro-slum fusion restaurant begun by local chef Doug Hippoor in downtown Reno. Trained at the Poor but Pretty Culinary Institute, he came up with the idea last year. After losing his job and then his home, Hippoor refused to lose his penchant for beautifully presented food—no matter how crappy it tasted.
“I’ve found that if you make it look pretty enough, serve it in really small portions, and give it a trendy food genre name, people won’t mind overpaying for it, even if it doesn’t taste that good,” he said. “Wait, did you just write that down? That wasn’t for …”
Anyway, the plan seems to be working.
Diners nibbled away on small plates of braised Spam served on a delicate bed of collard greens and sprinkled with flecks of dirt ($26). Also on the menu were Vienna sausages covered in melted Velveeta and served with a tangy PBR demi-glace ($22).
“I bet this is what poor people eat every night!” squealed one woman in delight as she popped another plump, gel-covered sausage in her mouth.
One appetizer option was a true stone soup, made with a light vegetable broth and a local stone handpicked from the Truckee River and garnished with river moss ($11). Another appetizer patrons were happily munching away on, through contorted smiles, was a dandelion salad ($9), featuring the bitter, tender leaves of dandelions growing out of the cracks in the restaurant’s front walkway and sprinkled with dandelion flowers. Splendid.
Scrimp strives for authenticity. The walls are made of local red clay—an eco-friendly alternative that also gives the feeling of a mud hut. And the food is cooked by indigent women using cow dung as fuel. All of the furniture was gently fished out of local Dumpsters, and each piece carries its own unique cigarette burns and tobacco juice stains. Lining the walls are framed eviction notices and job listings.
On the restaurant’s window is a decal that says “We Proudly Serve Food Laced in Chemicals.”
“That’s a central tenet of recession cuisine,” said Hippoor, referring to another common description of this food. “Everybody knows that’s the only option for poor people. That and high fructose corn syrup.”
Which brings us to dessert: Vanilla sandwich cookies—aged and air-chilled for nine days, resulting in a delightfully authentic stale taste—with Nestles chocolate syrup drizzled artfully across the plate ($11) Other options included a can of sweetened condensed milk ($10.99), or Pixie Stix served alongside a Jello cup ($11). For an extra $3, you can add a dollop of Cool Whip to any dessert.
“Scrimp is like a vacation for people who want to know what it’s like to live in poverty without actually having to do it,” said Hippoor, who is quickly forgetting that particular anxiety-filled economic state himself. “We actually just heard from Disneyland, and they’re interested in the concept as a theme park.”
—Little Debbie Ho Ho
Budget crisis solved
It was under our noses the whole time, say relieved lawmakers
Nevada Sen. Steven Horsford, D-Las Vegas, and Assemblymember Debbie Smith, D-Reno, announced today they’ve solved the state’s budget crisis.
“I can’t believe it was this easy,” said Smith in a joint news conference on the plaza in front of the Nevada Legislature. “Yes, technically, it’s a new tax, but when you think about it, we’re already paying much more in the long run for these issues. What we propose doing is placing a fee on stupid ideas.”
Smith went on to define stupid as “willfully ignorant.”
“It’s sort of like cutting off your nose to spite your face,” she said. “When someone chooses short-term savings over the long-term life of the state and the individuals who live within it.”
And from a purely logical standpoint, the idea seems elegant, if a bit off the wall.
“First, let’s start with the proposals to cut the university and community college systems by more than $75 million bucks,” said Horsford. “That’s the dumbest fucking idea I’ve ever heard. Somebody should pay through the nose for that one.”
Horsford said the reason Nevada can’t recruit businesses to the state isn’t because they fear the tax burden placed upon businesses, but because the workforce is unprepared to do the technical work new businesses require.
“So let’s undermine the educational system, that makes perfect sense,” he said sarcastically. “While we’re at it, let’s diminish the quality of the K-12 system, so we won’t have to worry about our own children qualifying to enter our colleges; then the out-of-staters—who’ve already shown they don’t mind paying higher tuition—won’t have to compete for limited space in classrooms.”
“That’s a good one,” said Smith, high-fiving the majority floor leader to raucous cheers from the press corps. “And while we’re at it, let’s talk about having the lowest tax on gambling in the country and maybe the reasons for the low taxes on foreign mining companies. I’ve heard some stupid shit in my life, but that really takes the cake.”
Horsford said sometimes stupid ideas are not just action related, but inaction related. For example, he said, having the primary tax burden placed upon unstable sources like tourism and sales causes regular recessions in this state. Legislators have had many opportunities to change the system, but they’ve been unable to cooperate enough to make changes to the tax codes.
“I firmly believe that’s a truly stupid and short-sighted idea,” he said. “Wouldn’t it make more sense to have a sensible property-tax rate and a tax on business profits? That way, everyone pays the lowest rate for providing what their families must have. As it stands now, the people who gain the most by the state’s business and retirement environment contribute the least to the state’s societal burden.”
Passing vehicles beeped at the sign-wielding crowd, and a drum-playing protester dressed as a “patriot” marched outside the main crowd to his own unintelligible rhythms. College students also packed the hallways of the Legislature and public galleries, at times breaking into songs and chants: “Brian Sandoval must pay, and he must begin today.”
“In Nevada, a tax on stupid, ideological intransigence will balance the state’s budget within months,” said Smith, pausing thoughtfully. “It’s good news for Joe Twelvepack Nevadans because the stupid idea tax will primarily be levied on political operatives and lobbyists—and elected officials.”
By Steven Krain
Mayor Bob gets a tattoo
His health is fine, but he had an ‘art’ attack
In a surprise reversal of his previous position, Reno Mayor Bob “Mayor Bob” Cashell recently got his first tattoo.
In early March, Mayor Cashell proposed a moratorium on new bars and tattoo shops opening in Reno. He said that there were far too many of these businesses and that they were blights on downtown. After his proposal was rejected by the City Council, Cashell was despondent. He decided to visit some of the local tattoo parlors to reevaluate his position. And, in a surprise moment of spontaneity at Inky Ink Inc. in downtown Reno, Cashell decided to get a tattoo.
“I was just really impressed with the creativity,” said Cashell during a Wednesday morning press conference. “Those guys are really artists. And I was stoked about how many Reno tattoos I saw—you know, tattoos that literally represent Reno—and it just occurred to me that it’s a great way to show your Reno pride. Represent!”
As he shouted out the last word, Cashell turned his back toward the gathered crowd of reporters and lifted up his shirt to reveal the large full-color tattoo on his lower back. A collective gasp arose from many shocked journalists.
The tattoo depicts the Reno Arch on Virginia Street, with an exploding fireball behind it, F-14s and giant blue dragon flying overhead, and the Marvel Comics superhero Wolverine standing beneath the arch, with his arms crossed and his adamantium claws extended. Underneath the image are the words, “Mayor, Bitch.” in all-caps Gothic font.
“I wanted something that really represented my pride in Reno,” said Cashell. “And Wolverine’s on there because he’s my favorite superhero, and I want it to be like, ‘Listen, I’m gonna protect this town no matter what, got it?’”
Anthony “Two Tone” Serrita-Jones, the owner of Inky Ink Inc. created Cashell’s tattoo.
“Tone did a great job,” said Cashell. “He really hooked it up.”
When asked about the tattoo process, Cashell responded, “It hurt, but it was the good kind of pain, you know? And I just gotta represent the ’No town.”
Steal this festival
by Ralston Purina
As the Reno City Council ponders creating its own Hot August Nights Reno-Sparks due to HAN promoting its Long Beach event more heavily than its Reno one, other ideas for tagging “Reno-Sparks” onto a well-known event and hoping no one will notice it’s not the same thing are circulating. A few prospects, starting with one dear to local hearts:
• Burning Man Reno-Sparks: The desert needn’t get all the glory. “All the drugs, none of the dust: Reno-Sparks,” is one possible slogan.
• The Running of the Bulls Reno-Sparks: Why go to Spain when you can get trampled by a bull right here in the US of A?
• Cannes Film Festival Reno-Sparks: Because Reno-Sparks is oozing with French culture. Hey, we drink wine.
• Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Reno-Sparks: We have a Macy’s, after all.
• Johnny Cash Music Festival Reno-Sparks: Because Cash sang more about Reno than he did Ventura, Calif. For real.
Homeless outnumber people in homes
Recent data released by the U.S. Census Bureau about the 2010 Census reports that 1,500,002 people in Nevada are jobless and homeless. Only 1,234,567 Nevada residents have jobs and places to live. In an interesting side note, the bureau also reports that the number of empty, foreclosed-upon homes in Nevada is the exact same figure as the number of homeless families.
STAR bonds help Sparks cut service
Sparks Mayor Geno Martini said the city’s lavish helpings of corporate welfare to out-of-state firms are paying off.
“In fiscal year 2007, we had 644 full-time city employees,” the mayor said. “Today, we have 462 employees, a decrease of close to 30 percent.”
Without diverting sales tax money into corporate coffers with STAR bonds, the mayor said, the city would have been unable to cut its workforce so drastically, and the public would be appallingly well served.
“Granted, some of these painful city layoffs are putting people on public assistance instead of payrolls, but first things first,” he said. “If we hadn’t paid Scheels to come here, our former workers would have no sporting goods store to shop at. Well, except for locally owned ones, but who wants to shop there?”
Due to a flaw in the space-time continuum, the Weekly World News & Review said in 2006 the Reno Train Trench—spanning more than two miles and running more than 30 feet underground—was a good project because it was done on time and at budget. Because of the unpredictability of time sequencing, the staff was unaware that in 2011, the Nevada Legislature would vote in a tax on stupid ideas, thus balancing the state’s budget and preserving the future quality of life for all Nevadans. The retroactive tax on the Reno City Council, which pushed through the $250 million train trench without regard for a possible downturn in the economy, has just created funding for a free, citywide wireless internet umbrella. We apologize for any confusion caused by our mistake.April Fools’ Day content.