The Weekly World Reno News & Review

Reno baby born with full-body tattoos

At just three days old, Miles James Roofkin is brand new to the world. So too is his condition, a bizarre medical anomaly that lends the appearance of intricate inkwork from head to toe.

Full tattoo sleeves on each tiny arm give way to curvy devil girls on both shoulder blades, a shaky outline of the state of Nevada on the infant’s neck, and a swirling sea of abstract designs that cascade under his diaper and down his legs. Miles’ delicate epidermis also sports references to internet memes that circulated while he was in utero and were obsolete by press time.

“But my favorite is the widdle bitty teardrop,” said his mother, Danielle, speaking in baby talk and touching what appeared to be a classic prison tattoo on the boy’s face.

“And he hasn’t even killed anyone or anything,” the new mom murmured, gazing from her infant son’s eyes to those of his doting father, Paul. “Well, not that we know of.”

Though admittedly stunned, the Reno medical community was reasonably prepared for the neonatal miracle.

“We’ve actually had indications that something like this was on the horizon,” said obstetrician-gynecologist-dermatologist Jill Whiffle of Renown Regional Medical Center.

In fact, Whiffle was able to make out the words “Fuck bitches, get money” in Old English text on the shoulder of a different newborn a few years ago. Sadly, the iconic words faded within hours of the child’s birth.

“Those poor parents,” she recalled with a sympathetic sigh. “Their luck slipped away like sand through their fingers. We can only hope this new family’s good fortune will last.”

Black Rock Eats is a the newest eatery to join the fray of Reno’s burgeoning culinary renaissance, serving what owner Michael “Bird Quest” Cooke describes as “artisanal Burning Man cuisine,” like beef jerky, beer-soaked Doritos, spoonfuls of runny peanut butter, and dust-covered Gummi Worms that may or may not be laced with MDMA.

“Playa-to-table cuisine is the latest trend in culinary hot spots like San Francisco and Gerlach,” said Cooke. “We buy all our ingredients fresh from the producers as they’re sitting in their cars waiting to leave Burning Man.”

Since the Burning Man arts festival operates with a “gift economy,” in which participants trade for supplies they need, Cooke said he and his team are able to procure most of what they need by trading bottles of Gatorade and water to thirsty burners who didn’t pack enough water for the festival.

“We’re purchasing these ingredients as fresh as possible,” said Cooke, adding that all of the food at Black Rock Eats can be considered “free-range” because Burning Man is an event that encourages “radical self-expression.”

One of the signature dishes at Black Rock Eats is rock-hard, dehydrated pot brownies. Each brownie is unique, according to Cooke. Some might contain no actual marijuana, whereas other brownies might contain enough THC to tranquilize a horse. It’s impossible to predict, but according to Cooke, that’s half the fun. “You just eat a brownie and wait 45 minutes, and then see what happens.”

The restaurant, located near the corner of Virginia and Cheney streets in the heart of Reno’s midtown, also serves a variety of alcoholic beverages, with a special focus on canned beers. The beers are served warm, but drenched in melted ice, as if they came straight from a cooler that had been sitting out in the sun all day.

“We really want to give diners that authentic Burning Man dining experience,” said Cooke.

The restaurant had its soft opening last week, but business has already been steady and word-of-mouth has been positive.

“Honestly, we just came here because we heard that some of the waitresses were topless,” said Tyler Goodwin, a 19-year-old-student at the University of Nevada, Reno, who ate at the restaurant last Thursday. “All of the food was pretty gross. It was all covered in this, like, salty dust. Everything tasted like ass. But I heard Daft Punk might be eating here next week, so I’ll be back.”

Nevada multiple voter Maudie Reisner was presented to the Assembly Legislative Operations and Elections Committee this week as an example of the “madness” of letting people vote without presenting identification cards.

The committee meeting was a triumph for Republicans, who have previously been unable to show any evidence that fraudulent voting occurs other than in freakishly rare fashion.

Reisner, an 87-year-old Carson City Alzheimer’s patient, voted twice in the election four years ago. The fraud was uncovered at a family Thanksgiving dinner when one of Reisner’s granddaughters said, “I took Grandma to early votes.” A different granddaughter replied, “Well, I took her down on Election Day.” It turned out the woman had voted twice.

“This madness must stop,” said Republican Assemblymember Lynn Stewart, sponsor of a measure to require voters to show identification cards before voting.

His colleague Jill Dickman, sponsor of a second, similar measure, said, “People are voting indiscriminately, so it’s time that government starts discriminating among them.”

Bree Britten, a 22-year-old bartender and student at the University of Nevada, Reno, was walking her dog around Reno’s Old Southwest neighborhood on Wednesday evening when she noticed smoke billowing from a house near the corner of Pueblo and Forest streets.

Using her iPhone, Britten snapped a photo of the smoking house and posted it to her Instagram account, @GoodToBreeMe. She tagged @jon_the_don_juan, the account of Jon Johns, a 29-year-old freelance graphic designer, and one of three current residents of the house. She also added the hashtags #smoke, #fire, #dudeyourhouseisonfire, and #itsgettinhotinherre.

“I’d fallen asleep while looking at my phone and had left some food cooking on the stove,” said Johns. “If I hadn’t gotten that Instagram notification, I probably wouldn’t have woken up in time to put out the fire. Bree really saved my life.”

Johns was able to alert his roommate, Matt Makkelson, who was in the house’s basement playing video games, and the two roommates were able to extinguish the fire. Johns said he was especially glad that Britten tagged the photo #dudeyourhouseisonfire because he said otherwise he might not have put it all together.

“I remember thinking, shouldn’t that be ’you’re,’ with an apostrophe, and then I was like, ’oh shit!’ and I could smell the smoke,” he said.

For her part, Britten said she doesn’t think of herself as a hero. “I just did what anybody would have done in that circumstance,” she said.

She also noted that the photo had attracted nearly 70 likes, which was more than some of her photos, but not as much as her photo earlier that morning of her dog, Gosling, a golden retriever, interacting with a pug puppy they encountered earlier on their walk. That photo, which she tagged #newfriends and #puppylove had attracted over 80 likes.

“It was just such a cute moment,” she said. “I think it might even get over 100 likes by the end of the day. That’ll be first for me. That’s the one I’m really proud of.”

Auto hobbyist Gerald Glurkin says he’s almost ready to unveil his tricked-out new ride.

“She’s so cherry,” he said, lighting a celebratory cigar and lifting a tarp off the red-and-white vehicle, which he plans to cruise at a slow roll during Hot August Nights.

“And don’t even think about touching her,” he snapped at a journalist who’d come to interview him and his family about the project. “Seriously. No touchie.”

To the ignorant and insensitive layperson, Glurkin’s baby looks exactly like a circa 2009 beer-filled Igloo cooler strapped to a razor scooter. But no one’s saying anything.

“We had to refinance the house to get the $80,000 for it,” his wife, Gerta, muttered under her breath. “It gets him the hell out of my hair, though.”

The fact that he has to straddle the vehicle to man its handlebars hasn’t deterred Glurkin.

“You don’t even know how many women smile at me on the street now,” he said after Gerta walked away. “I mean, they’re smiling so hard they’re basically laughing, and laughing so hard they’re basically crying, but that’s just how it goes. One of ’em even threw a Taco Bell wrapper at me, sort of like somebody throwin’ panties at a concert. It’s pure emotion, man.”

The Sandoval administration says talks that could have brought Microsoft’s entire operation to Nevada have broken down over disagreements on the level of incentives offered to the mega-corporation.

State economic development officials say Microsoft was unwilling to accept tax credits and other incentives at the high levels insisted upon by Gov. Brian Sandoval on grounds that the state might have to deplete state education to pay for them, and the children of the corporation’s workers would suffer. But the administration was adamant that cultivating a business-first reputation for Nevada is a higher priority. Democrats are still debating their position but are expected to support Sandoval as usual, sort of, maybe.

“Boone’s Farm is making me soooo fat,” said a sulking Tiffi Rojas, slapping her tiny, yoga-toned backside for emphasis. “I mean, look. But of course I’d be like super sad without it.”

Like countless other Americans, Rojas self-medicates an undiagnosed anxiety disorder with depressants such as alcohol. But the University of Nevada, Reno student is in for a sweet surprise.

Believe it or not, groundbreaking scientific research indicates that marijuana—which will soon be available locally for those with medical cards—is actually fat free, calorie free, carb free and sodium free, just like anything else that’s been smoked since time began.

Who knew it’d be easier on the waistline than sugarfree gum?

“Shut up,” Rojas exclaimed gleefully when she heard the good news. “I’m probably not gonna smoke it or whatever, but I’ll for-sure eat the pot brownies and the candy and everything, since none of it even counts. Plus we all know it’s an appetite suppressant anyway.”

Rojas also believes all-day cannabis use will motivate her to exercise more than usual.

“No more sitting on the couch when I’m feeling lazy,” she said with a grin, her thoughts drifting to the future. “Watch out, world. It’s marathon time.”

A Fallon woman was detained by legislative police early today and turned over to the Carson City Sheriff’s Office to be charged with attempting a redress of grievances.

The woman approached her member of the Nevada Assembly to discuss the drought and water needs in agricultural Churchill County. The legislator protested sharply and the Assembly sergeant at arms intervened to remove the woman from the Assembly hall.

“It’s getting to the point that citizens are engaging in unrestrained and unbridled activism,” said Legislative Police Chief L. Stanley Baum. “We cannot allow every resident of the state to behave this way.”

The Reno Arch, arguably the most iconic symbol of the city, was stolen on Wednesday evening. The Reno Police Department reports that the arch was reported missing at 11 p.m. after Cindie Cinnibuns, a waitress at Heritage Restaurant in the nearby Whitney Peak Hotel, noticed that the sign was gone.

The current Reno Arch is the third such arch at the location near the corner of Virginia Street and Commercial Row, in the heart of Reno’s downtown casino district. The first Reno Arch was installed in 1926. The current arch was installed in 1987.

RPD Detective Gavin Galvinsdale, who is leading the investigation, told reporters that law enforcement officials were asking the public for help in finding information about the stolen arch.

“To be honest, we’re a bit stumped,” said Galvinsdale. “We took a statement from a family from Roseville who walked by the arch at 6:10 p.m., and it was there intact then, but then we can’t find any other eyewitnesses of the arch until Miss Cinnibuns noticed it missing nearly four hours later. Apparently nobody goes downtown anymore.”

Darth Vader is not living in a Sun Valley trailer home, as we reported, because Darth Vader is a fictional character. Happy April Fool’s Day, everybody!