The three S’s of education

The top three things in all teens’ minds are themselves, sex and sleep. The school district champions the cause of young people’s path of self-discovery but is less than gung-ho about the fulfillment of the latter two agendas.

Public and private schools tend to disagree about how to deal with the budding sexuality of their students. Public schools strictly curtail it with unreasonable—not to mention unfashionable—dress codes. Private schools unwittingly fan the flames of raging hormones by instituting so-sweet-they’re-wicked uniforms and anti-below-your-waist rhetoric.

But while their concerns about teen pregnancy may be earnest, their prohibition of normal sleep patterns inhabits a realm of more sinister intentions.

A school staff’s fear of teen sleep far transcends its fear of teen pregnancy. It often seems that the school district would rather see you with child than let you get a good night’s sleep. As long as you are pulling all-nighters to make the grade, getting up an hour earlier than you need to just to make yourself look presentable (a teen’s own interpretation of “Beautify America") and scrambling to your desk seconds before the tardy bell, the administration sleeps very well.

There is no real reason to start school as early as they do. It does not improve learning or efficiency. Ask questions as to why school used to start at 9 o’clock, but for some reason now starts at 7 or 8, and you will be met with a bureaucrat’s steely glare. Any introduction of logic sends the administration into an intellectual tailspin.

Sex education has made its way into district curriculum, but sleep and its many benefits remain a dirty little secret. If we can take time to explore what is going on in our bodies, why not take the time to explore our pillows? Sleep education is far more useful. In high school, believe us, we know where babies come from, and yes, we have heard of “The Pill.” So many students sleep through sex education. Why not just make that the basis of the whole class—that is to say, a solid nap as the goal of the class?

Refreshed and rejuvenated, we would skip to our next period and sit up straight in the desks. We would (gasp) actually pay attention. It is the whole concept of feeding someone who is starving so they won’t be hungry anymore. It is reasonable to assume that if you feed a starving child, he will stop whining. Take this concept to a more sublime level. Let an exhausted teen sleep, and, well, you have a class full of humans, not zombies.

Sleep is actually more common than your teachers would like you to think. For instance, they do it too. In fact, sometimes they just turn off the light and call it a day—instead of grading the lab you slaved over. To add insult to injury, it’s said that some lock themselves in their offices and sleep there, too, as if the eight hours they slept last night just didn’t cover it.

Of course, what is good for the goose is good for the gander. A student’s decision to suddenly whip out a pillow and an optional snuggle blankie may be met with bewilderment, frustration or intrigue. Other students may resent you at first because they didn’t think of it, but soon the adolescent instinct to conform will kick in and your peers will follow suit.

After the first few weeks, it won’t even seem abnormal. Everyone, from jock to geek, will be slumbering away the first 15 minutes or half hour (depending if you are on the block schedule or bell schedule) of every class. Teachers will have quiet time to engage in reading, grading or extra-marital affairs. This is a win-win situation.

A decent dose of sleep makes the world a better place. Teens from Brooklyn to Beirut will be rubbing sleep goobers from their eyes when the naptime bell goes off and waking to the official post-naptime snack of milk and cookies. Sleeping in school will bring the world closer together. In Brooklyn, teens coming out of a sleepy haze will be too drowsy to commit petty theft. In Beirut, the issue won’t be Israel, it will be, “Why did Ali get three cookies, and I only got two?”

Then, awake and munching cookies dipped in milk, teens will finally be able to tackle the issues schools deem important—such as choosing a career. And maybe, just maybe, we’ll be able to stay awake for sex education.