The play's the thing

As an old baseball kook, I feel it's time to get things recalibrated, amidst the ongoing clamor of the steroid scandal—you know, just so all right-thinking baseball fans can once again get on the same page and agree that the following hallowed records remain true and accurate. OK, first, the single season record for home runs—and that's still Roger Maris, who hit 61 in 1961. Was Maris on P.E.D.s of some kind that year? Definitely. I think Maris was on either Winstons or Chesterfields in '61. But Major League Baseball has always had a positive relationship with tobacco, whether smoked or chewed, and Maris being a raging smoker is no problem for Cooperstown whatsover. Second, the career record for home runs—and that's still 755, set by Hank Aaron. Even Giants fans know by now that all claims by Barry Baby are complete trash and should be wadded up, taken to the nearest landfill, and pooped on repeatedly by sea gulls.

Just for grins, take a gander at some of the stats from 1998, arguably the peak time of baseball players gobbling steroids like they were shelled pistachios. Of course, you have Mark McGwire, hitting 70 homers and knocking in 147 RBI. Then, there's Mr. Sosa, also eclipsing Mr. Ruth with 66 and 158. But Mark and Sammy weren't the only ones rockin' the lumber. Right there in the mix is none other than Ken Griffey, Jr., who, for some reason, gets a free pass in this whole mess. Junior's numbers sure weren't anything to snort at, with his 56 homers and 146 RBI. And leave us not forget one Juan Gonzalez of the Texas Rangers, who chipped in nicely with a 45 and 157 year. In the midst of this blizzard of monster numbers, I remember all these reporters back then wondering what the heck was going on with all these stats, and many of those writers concluding that, well, somehow, the ball must be livelier. In retrospect, that's kinda accurate.

At this point, however, I could see giving wholesale P.E.D.s to every member of Congress. And their staffs. I mean, just unleash them in the Senate water supply, put them in the House Viagra bowls, whatever it takes to get some kind of enhanced performance out of these terminally squabbling do-nothings. It now appears that Congress has had its feelings hurt or something, because its response to its approval ratings (now measured in fractions) appears to have been the adoption of a “Well, if that's the way you feel about it, America, fine. We just won't do anything. See how you like that.”

It's sorta like—Congress finally figures out its dysfunctional. So it sends the functionality question to a committee for investigation. Only the committee, comprised of members that can't function, completely breaks down, gives up, and starts throwing sandwiches at each other. But not before it discusses a way to shut down the government, reduce the national credit rating, and ban health insurance forever.