The Huntsman: Winter’s War

Rated 1.0

Four years ago, when Snow White and the Huntsman came out, Kristen Stewart was all the rage. The film made lots of money, and it looked like the former Bella had a new franchise on her hands. Not so fast. Kristen, in a moment of shameful and delicious wickedness, made out in public—well, in front of somebody’s unauthorized camera, anyway—with that film’s married director, much to the chagrin of then boyfriend Robert Pattinson and, consequently, her fan base. Plans for a sequel starring her were scrapped, and a whole new plan featuring her costar and budding movie giant Chris Hemsworth (Thor!) were hatched. What producers didn’t realize at the time is that Hemsworth basically sucks whenever he’s doing anything other than playing Thor. Blackhat, In the Heart of the Sea, Vacation, and now this mighty slice of hell are proof of that. While Snow White was no creative party, it was a tolerable misfire. This is a star-studded absolute mess. It’s a worthless slog of a sequel/prequel. It probably looked good on paper or around the pitch table, but the finished product plays like a drunken, straining Renaissance Festival where the organizer was strung out on heroin. Charlize Theron returns as the evil Ravenna, with Emily Blunt and Jessica Chastain joining the sad party. And, of course, you have Thor on hand as the Huntsman, the most useless, banal role this guy has taken on in his mostly useless and banal career.