The devil and Exxon Mobil

The media pummelling carries on—“Gas Prices Ax Murder Your Wallet!” “Gas Prices Up—Need To Sell A Kidney?” “Gas Prices Tear Joe Sixpack’s Lips Off.” “Will Rising Gas Prices Turn Americans Into Bug Eaters?”

But still, when the lead story is “Gas Prices Continue To Make Americans Pissy,” my knee jerks in the general direction of BFD. I mean, waa waa waa and cry cry cry. So instead of filling up your 15-gallon tank for $45 this week, you’re gonna spend $60. Come on, fork it over. The last thing we need right now is for the oil companies to go down! (Preceding sentence was joke, comrade.)

Now, if you’re not working, I can muster up a spot of sympathy. Yes, four-buck-a-gallon gas will suck. So you’ll be home more. Maybe you can finally get around to cleaning up the place? (Those dust bunnies are turning into dust badgers). Upside number two—the library. This noble institution has been heroically holding the line against inflation for some time now. I mean, all that stuff in there is still free! (When is some blackhearted consultant going to advise them to start charging a quarter a book?)

I can also muster a bit of sympathy for folks burnin’ diesel. You twerps whining about your $3.45 per gallon of unleaded, shut the hell up and be happy you ain’t stickin’ the devil’s nozzle into a diesel-swilling F-350 at 4 bucks a pop! Diesel truck owners now know: The triple digit fill-up lives!

Usually, my computer is where chain letters and cyber-schemes come to die a quick death. Like you, I don’t want to send anything to 10 friends that makes me look like I just fell off the melon truck. Usually. Today, I’m ready to jump. This new scheme currently making the rounds, the one that wants to stuff a cherrybomb down Exxon’s pants, hits me in a good spot. The plan is simple—buy gas from any dealer except ExxonMobil, and stick with it for a while.

Why not? Why the hell not? Sounds like a lovely little prank. And who gets hurt if millions of Americans actually suck it up and do this for a month? An entity that just made $40 billion in the last three months of 2007, that’s who. Forty billion! In three months! Net profit!

It’ll never work, right? Well, of course it’ll never work if we all declare that it’ll never work, stick our thumbs up our bums, and watch another installment of “Britney: Psychotart or Manipulative Power Skank?” Us consumers do have some power, you know. Twenty million of us remembering, week in and week out, to not buy gas at Exxon/Mobil stations, well, that will get somebody’s attention somewhere. Maybe. At this point, what is there to lose?

Sign me up. Hell, I’m still boycotting those bastards for the Exxon Valdez!